ohh, & sidenote...

I sent my love letter to him.
he called. but i was asleep.
ugh, damn medication!
but him calling is a good sign, right? i hope.

anyway...
we'll see how things go when we talk.
hopefully they go well.

toodlesss :).

i have this thing for quotes :)

“Some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. Some things are so sad that only your soul can do the crying for them.”
—
"Shantaram" by Gregory David Roberts

my love letter.

To whom it may concern:

I don't know if i'll ever send this to you or if you'll ever read it, i doubt it. But I feel the need to write it. Maybe it'll help me with what I'm feeling right now. Who knows? Anyway... I feel like slowly but surely another goodbye is approaching. I'm not sure if I'm right, and I desperately hope I'm wrong because I'm not sure how well i'll be able to handle that. First off, I love you more than life itself. I'm head over heels in love with you, and although i've known that for years now it just hit me harder than a ton of bricks all over again. Every time we argue, break up, stop talking, or any other negative thing we go through my first thought is if I never broke up with you the first time we would not be going through this. If I had never broken up with you that day we would be the perfect couple right now. We would still be together and SO SO SO in love. But I was not ready then. I was too young and too naive. I created an emotional wall out of fear, and that fear led me to hurting you. And it was not till now that I understood how much I really did hurt you. I thought the pain of hurting you was hard to bear, but NOTHING and I mean NOTHING compares to this heartbreaking feeling. This feeling of you walking away and never looking back. It hurts so bad. However, seeing that I cannot go back in time and change that first break up I guess we have to move forward from here. 

We've been back and forth over and over again. And every time we start again I fall deeper and deeper in love with you. You have my heart in your hands, and you are capable of doing ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING with it. That thought is absolutely terrifying, but I would rather live with that fear than live without you. All of my friends look at me and see how much I love you. I have NO backbone when it comes to you. My friends see how deep in love with you I am, and I just don't understand how you can't see it (or maybe you do see it and I just don't know it, idk?). That is probably my fault. I'm sure there is some way that I'm not showing it to you. But honestly, I don't know how. The song Teach Me How to Love by Musiq Soulchild is a perfect metaphor right now. And I know you have been trying for 4 years to teach me how to love, but I guess I'm just a slow learner. I can understand how frustrating that is, and all I can do is pray and hope that you have not given up on me yet. I apologize for ever making you feel like I was taking you for granted because I wasn't. Not intentionally. Although, I never verbalized it (when I should have) I have noticed EVERYTHING you have changed to be with me and I could not be happier to know that you were willing and did that for me. I'm sorry for making you feel like everything is more important than you because it's not. I would drop ANY AND EVERYTHING for you if you ever needed me to. I'm sorry that at one point HE came before you. I was young, confused, and naive. He provided me with a FALSE sense of self-assurance (he basically fed my insecurities making me more confident) that I fell for. I was never in love with him. I was always in love with you. I know how bad that hurt you. There is NOTHING I can do to reconcile that. I am sorrier than I could ever explain. And most of all I'm sorry for the pain and tears i've caused. At this point in this letter I could explain the pain i've endured throughout this relationship as well, but honestly none of that seems relevant right now. All I'm concerned with is how to make everything okay between us. If there is even an us right now, I don't know. This is crazy. I've never felt like this. I've never been the girl to repeatedly call and text even when she's being ignored, the girl to let this completely break her, the girl who feels like she can't live without a guy, a girl that knows no happiness without him. But hey, I guess it happens to everyone at some point.

Anyway...I'm starting to ramble at this point. I fell in love with you because you gave me something no one ever has before. Someone who UNDERSTANDS me and sees through the facade I put up. I fell in love with you because you have a genuine spirit and personality. You are someone I can always count on to tell me the truth rather than sugarcoat something into what you think I want to hear. I fell in love with you because of your ambition and determination. I fell in love with you for more reasons than I can count or explain. My biggest fear right now is that IF this is goodbye that this is the final one. I'm so afraid that you are just going to stop talking to me all together, move on, and i'll have to watch you love someone else. I honestly don't think I can. Actually, I KNOW I can't watch you love someone else. Oh man, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Wow.

Well, there is not much more that I can say. I love you more than anything, too much some would say. I want you to be happy, I really do. I pray that happiness occurs with me, but if it does not I pray that where ever life takes you that you will be happy and protected. I'll ALWAYS be here no matter what. I love you too much not to be. 

Love, 

The girl that can't live without you. 

:(

this is so true. never thought about it till now. love is so physical, which means so is the heartbreak.

But it makes sense, love, it all makes sense. 

We like to think about love in some symbolic and emotional sense, but what about the physical?

When You're in love: 

• The way your heart flutters when you think of a person.
• Your body temperature increases and the palms of your hands sweat as you grow excited.
• You can actually become light-headed or weak at the knees.
• Life looks, sounds, feels, tastes and even smells better when you’re in love.

And when you’re heart-broken:

• You feel a tightness in the chest feels like the physical breaking of your heart
• You suffer from partial or complete insomnia
• You lose your appetite, have a stomach ache, and are even nauseous
• You’re always tired and fatigued
• You have anhedonia, an inability to feel pleasure

People invest all of themselves into relationships and love, whether they realize it or not. Be careful of who you get involved with, because they might abuse you completely. And if you know you’ve been given a heart, you take care of it… because the hurt you cause can be far worse than emotional.

my new goal.

How about this..

kevontemcfly:

How about you stop doing what you want and start doing what you need to do. I’m pretty sure 34 hours into your New Years you’ve broken at least one of the half-ass promises you made to yourself.

All across my dash, laundry lists of what people want in the New Year.

I wanna get healthy.

I wanna get a job.

I wanna graduate.

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna.

The reason you have so many problems is because you do what you want.

Start doing what you need.

I  started to stop doing what I want about 3 years ago.

I started doing what I needed to do.

I needed to get healthy.

I needed to quit smoking and drinking.

I needed to go to class.

I needed to graduate and get a job.

I needed to save money.

As soon as I took care of my needs, I got everything I’ve ever wanted and then some.

Hell on X-mas day I went to check my bank statement and long behold an unexpected check for 2k was in there from Uncle Sam. He owed me for back travel pay apparently. But I wasn’t expecting it and I didn’t need it or want it. It just happened.

When things are bad they tend to snowball.

Well the same thing happens when things are good.

You serious about change?

You ready for the internal tug of war?

To tell you the truth the hardest thing to do in life is change.

Even on New Years, a nice dinner with the wife was almost ruined.

I was ordering and I saw that wine menu and that little kid and like I said no matter how old you are, whether you’re 16, 21, 25, 45, we got that little kid in us screaming “I do what I want”.

Well he started creeping and making excuses and I heard him “it’s only one drink and you’ve been working hard and you deserve it”

And that adult in me was like “naw bruh, forget what that little nigga is saying, he ain’t talking about nuthin’, you need to run 3 miles in the morning remember”

And boom down goes that punk little kid. It’s the little battles you got to win.

But remember half the battle is in the preparation.

I’m prepared. I got wife across from me. That’s my battle buddy. She ain’t going to let me slip.

Ask yourself this question though.

How you going to go to battle with yourself hungover or high?

You going to lose every time.

You got to start now. You got to start checking that little monster in you.

You got to humble yourself and know that what you want, most likely isn’t what you need.

Actually it’s going to be the opposite most of the time.

Once you start taking care of what you need, everything you ever wanted starts to fall in your lap.

My New Years Resolution is to stop cursing.

It’s going to be an uphill battle with that one, but I’m going to win it.

Self actualization is a journey, not a place. You know you’re on the path when you feel yourself straining to reach your potential. You know you aren’t when you constantly bemoan your situation and circumstances, yet continue to do the same things hoping for different results. You were created with limitless potential; some call it “in the image of God”. - Professor D.V.

my life.

This Time - John Legend 

[Verse 1]
Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
it started to hit me
now you're not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
It's so crystal clear now
that I need your here now
I gotta get you back today

[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I'll take the chance
This time I'll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it's all of me.

[Verse 2]
I hit the bar everynight
Looking to score a good time
It's not like I planned it
I'm left empty handed
'Cause im still alone in my mind
Now what will it take to feel right
Can I come see you tonight?
Is there someone new now?
What can I do now?
'Cause I need you back by my side.

[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I'll take the chance
This time I'll be your man
I can be all you need
This time its all in me.

[Bridge]

Last time I wasn't sure
This time I will give you more
I'm more mature
I'll show you
Last time I didn't know
I messed up and let you go
I need you
don't say no.

Lying alone in this room
All that is missing is you
pick up the phone
Won't you come home?

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I'll take the chance
This time I'll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it's all of me.