this is so true...

"She was breaking, but she held on tight. That's how much she loves you, no matter how much she's breaking, no matter how much pain you're causing her, she'll always find a way to fall inlove with you. That's how much you matter to her."

-anonymous

<3

My mind is my own worst enemy.

& keeping all these crazy thoughts of mine inside is only helping it conquer me.

:/

When my own words fail, music speaks.

Deserve You More - Musiq Soulchild

Who, tell me, who knows you better baby than I do
Said it out your own mouth
I aint even got to say it, ooh
you aint got to make an issue, ooh
I aint trying to play the victim, ooh
I'm just trying to make this thing right

How, how could you think that I could ever be better without you
I mean, i could go a few months
But everyday girl I'd be missing you
For me to send you to another dude
the thought of it is so depressing ooh
You & I both know that we needs this thats why

I'm explaining...what I'm fighting for
girl, theres no one who deserves you more
so stop subscribing to those crazy thought
cause there's no one who deserves you more
who gave you love?
dont change on me. dont change baby
I'll go halfcrazy if you choose to leave
Thats why I'm explaining...what I'm fighting for
girl, theres no one who deserves you more
deserves you more...

We don't often talk about it baby but we know its true
its true, that you were insecure once
cause someone really did you dirty, ooh
But I encouraged you to make it through
Showed you special was apart of you
You did the same for me too

So girl I thank you and I'm so thankful
for the times where we rise and we fall
nights when we laugh and we talk
let's not break up, lets be grateful
that the strain of our arguements only brought us closer spite of it all

I'm explaining...what I'm fighting for
girl, theres no one who deserves you more
so stop subscribing to those crazy thoughts
cause there's no one who deserves you more
who gave you love?
dont change on me. dont change baby
I'll go halfcrazy if you choose to leave
Thats why I'm explaining...what I'm fighting for
girl, theres no one who deserves you more

We spend more time on our problems
instead of trying to work them out to get better
However, lets turn this negative into a positive baby
You believe in you and I
I feel theres a need to try
If I don't fight, i'll regret it for the rest of my life

I'm explaining...what I'm fighting for
girl, theres no one who deserves you more
so stop subscribing to those crazy thoughts
cause there's no one who deserves you more
who gave you love?
dont change baby, dont change baby
I'll go halfcrazy if you choose to leave
Thats why I'm explaining...what I'm fighting for
girl, theres no one who deserves you more

Facebook...

Part of the reason (actually pretty much all of the reason) I deleted my facebook (and twitter for that matter) was because little things I would see on either of these social networks would make me mad! It was little stupid stuff too. Comments, relationship statuses, picture comments, tweets, etc...

Really only ever in reference to him

So I deleted it. Decided it was not worth my stress. Well now, my roommate is telling me things she sees on facebook. I kinda wish she didn't. I didn't want to know. I don't want to know what is on his facebook, twitter, or any other social network. This is kinda bothering me on the inside, but i'm trying to just let it go. I mean it's just facebook! Just because it is on facebook does not mean that it is true. That is what I keep telling myself. I wish these things didn't irritate me so much.

I'm pretty sure any other girl would probably be freaking out and asking a million angry questions right now. But not me. I'm just going to ignore it.

:) <3.>

Tonight...

I'm going to have a longggggg talk with God. 

A very long talk. We have A LOOOOOT to talk about. 

There are quite a few things I need cleared up.

This constant confusion is killing me softly.

& hopefully after my long talk with Him...

I can have a long talk with my boyfriend.

Yes, somethings need to be discussed

But I would almost rather just lay and talk to him for hours about nothing.

I think that may help.

I don't know.

I need to see him, soooooon.

I just want to hold him.

and kiss him.

I mean, sex would be cool too...

But it's really not at the top of my list.

This being in love thing is complicated.

But I wouldn't have it any other way. 

:)

off/on

4 turn offs:

1. Arrogance. 2. Extreme sagging. 3. Lack of ambition. 4. Lack of depth.

3 turn ons:

1. BEAUTIFUL smile :). I love those. <- thats how he got me hooked, lol :).  2. Ambition. 3. Sense of humor.

1. MOMMYYY! <3. 

2. My big brothers. [NAJA & JW]

3. The boyfriend. [EC]

4. THE best friend. [LRT]

5. Brailyn & his daddy, Ross. :)

6 "I wish I never..."

1. I wish I never had sex.

2. I wish I never had sex with him.

3. I wish I never broke up with him the first time. 

4. I wish I didn’t make those drunken phone calls on those nights.

5. I wish I didn’t get too drunk to remember the rest of my night at the strip club. 

6. I wish I never signed up for this STUPID online art appreciation class. 

"Always in my head...."

1. My boyfriend.

2. School.

3. My future. Whether or not things are going to turn out the way I want them to.

4. Weed. [which sucks seeing that i’m in the process of stopping smoking!].

5. My mommyy!

6. Myself. Not in a conceited way, but like… I don’t understand myself and the things I do at times so I spend a lot of time trying to understand.

7. Music!

9 things about...MEEE:)

1. I have a boyfriend that lives 8 hours away :(. And as much as it sucks…my favorite part about our relationship is how close we are without having sex :). We have a very rare relationship, and it took me forever to figure that out. We are PERFECT for each other in every sense of the word. He's the man i'm going to marry. I love him <3. 

2. I HATE HATE HATE HATE when people don’t trust me. But I have a hard time trusting. Terrible, I know. 

3. I run track because I NEEED to stay in shape, but I really hate track. Like, I wish I could be on the team and work out with them and stuff and NOT have to go to the track meets. That would be BOMB! 

4. Forensic psychology is my passion. I want to do it sooo bad. But i’m a little afraid of it. I may change my mind. Who knows? 

5. I just moved into an apt with my roommate. IT’S FUCKING AWESOME! 

6. I’m a gymnastics coach. And although I complain about my job pretty much everyday… I really do love those kids. Some of them are the reason I smile :). 

7. I love new things. A little too much actually. I tend to throw my ENTIRE self into things that are new to me, which often times results in forgetting about the old. I always return at some point tho. Well, most times. 

8. I make simple things complex, and complex things simple. I’m actually really backwards. I care toooo much about things most people would consider frivilous, but not enough about things most people would consider a really big deal. 

9. In 2.5 years, a little less actually, if my plan goes accordingly I will be moving out of TN and going to grad school and moving in with my boyfriend. That means I have >2.5yrs to get my life together. The reality of that sucks because that time is going to FLYYYYYYY and i’m going to have to do some FAST growing up. However, I am super excited and kinda ready for it to happen like… NOW :D. I think i’ll handle it superbly.

Day 1...

1. Mommy; I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!!! I know you are going through a hard time right now, and I HATE to see you hurting like this. However, I know how strong you are. I got my strength from you. I’m here for you in anyway I can and know how. You’ll make it through. Love you!

2. “Best friend”; It’s interesting to me how you say “It was never JUST about the sex. It was our friendship, our constant communication, our easy conversations. That’s what I loved about our friendship”…. Yet, the minute I say the sex is done and that i'm in a relationship you no longer speak to me. Ha, that's fine because i'm doing amazingly well without you. 

3. Roommate; I FUCKING LOVE YOU. I’m so glad that my first apartment is with you. I would not want to share this with anyone else. 

4. Dad; Don’t call me and go off on me and tell me “You know what, don’t even bother calling anymore I never wanna speak to you again” and then call me a few days later and leave a voicemail like nothing ever happened. I'm gonna need you to make your bi-polar mind up please and thank you sir. 

5. Brother; I love you and I miss you. That is all.

6. BESTEST FRIEND; I fucking love you, but you knew that already. So, I guess there isn’t really anything for me to tell you. I just wanted you to have a number :). 

7. Step-dad; You’re a bitch, and I hope karma comes back to bite you in the ass. That is all.

8. Yezzy; I haven't known you that long, but we've gotten pretty close in a short time. I love you [more than you love me]. This semester is gonna suck without you, and I can't wait for you to come back!! But I do know that i BETTER see your ass between now and then! :D. 

9. Lenora; I'm praying for you babydoll. I love you! 

10. Babyy; The best for last :). 2+ years is a longgggggg time :(. I hate that it's going to be that long until I get to wake up to your face on a daily basis, but it'll all be worth it. I know we can make it. I love you more than life itself, and i'm so glad that I get to share my life with you. I'm praying that were done with this off and on ish because i've grown quite attached to being on :). You're the BESTTT boyfriend in the world and I can't wait till the day I get to call you my fiance and after that my husband and after that the father of my children. I love you <3. 

10 day challenge...

Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Nine things about yourself.

Eight ways to win your heart.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Six things you wish you’d never done.

Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).

Four turn offs.

Three turn ons.

Two smileys that describe your life right now.

One confession.

[I may have done this before, but umm...I wanna do it again. I'm sure it'll be different :)]. 

:)

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well – you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

even tho i'm sure you don't care, i'm going to tell you anyway :)

i’m taking a leave of abscence for a while.
a hiatus I suppose you could say.
social networks, cyber venting, & cyber entertainment has taken over my life.

I need a BREAK from technology. I need more human interaction in my life.  

there will be LIMITED time spent on:
blogger.
tumblr. 
twitter.
facebook <- well that’s been deactivated for good so no more of that period. 

[sidenote: twitter might get deleted here soon too. it’s actually quite overrated.just as i suspected. i should have just stuck with my FUCK TWITTER mentality. ohwell.] [sub sidenote: this LIMITED time may turn into not being on at all. no worries if that happens, i’ll be back in due time!]

anywho…taking time to…
not really sure what i’m taking time for, actually. 
i just feel like i need to take time for something. 
maybe just to focus on me, my relationships with people, my relationship with God, and school.

yeah, i think that is a great thing to take time for. 

Tata loves <3.

just my thoughts today.

"Dear Heartbreaker,

Whatever I may have done to deserve to get my heart broken or even if I did nothing, all I can do is pray that at whatever point in my life this occurs that I am strong enough to handle it. I also hope that your heart is not broken in the process. It hurts me more to hurt someone else than to be hurt myself.

Love,
the heartbroken (eventually)"

I posted this not too long ago, a few months actually. Well...the heartbreak came a lot faster than I ever expected. & I am strong enough to deal with you, although I would much rather NOT deal with it because it's not easy at all. But I was definitely incorrect. Being heartbroken hurts worse than breaking a heart, but don't underestimate the pain of hurting someone else because that hurts like hell also.

& big girls don't cry...

one of my BIGGEST pet peeves...

is when you talk to me like i'm just another girl.
it kinda hurts, fyi.

"If they are stupid enough to love you AFTER you broke their heart, I guarantee you, they are the one" - Anonymous

#true story.

yep. i love you.

[this is so true].

ohh, & sidenote...

I sent my love letter to him.
he called. but i was asleep.
ugh, damn medication!
but him calling is a good sign, right? i hope.

anyway...
we'll see how things go when we talk.
hopefully they go well.

toodlesss :).

i have this thing for quotes :)

“Some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. Some things are so sad that only your soul can do the crying for them.”
—
"Shantaram" by Gregory David Roberts

my love letter.

To whom it may concern:

I don't know if i'll ever send this to you or if you'll ever read it, i doubt it. But I feel the need to write it. Maybe it'll help me with what I'm feeling right now. Who knows? Anyway... I feel like slowly but surely another goodbye is approaching. I'm not sure if I'm right, and I desperately hope I'm wrong because I'm not sure how well i'll be able to handle that. First off, I love you more than life itself. I'm head over heels in love with you, and although i've known that for years now it just hit me harder than a ton of bricks all over again. Every time we argue, break up, stop talking, or any other negative thing we go through my first thought is if I never broke up with you the first time we would not be going through this. If I had never broken up with you that day we would be the perfect couple right now. We would still be together and SO SO SO in love. But I was not ready then. I was too young and too naive. I created an emotional wall out of fear, and that fear led me to hurting you. And it was not till now that I understood how much I really did hurt you. I thought the pain of hurting you was hard to bear, but NOTHING and I mean NOTHING compares to this heartbreaking feeling. This feeling of you walking away and never looking back. It hurts so bad. However, seeing that I cannot go back in time and change that first break up I guess we have to move forward from here. 

We've been back and forth over and over again. And every time we start again I fall deeper and deeper in love with you. You have my heart in your hands, and you are capable of doing ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING with it. That thought is absolutely terrifying, but I would rather live with that fear than live without you. All of my friends look at me and see how much I love you. I have NO backbone when it comes to you. My friends see how deep in love with you I am, and I just don't understand how you can't see it (or maybe you do see it and I just don't know it, idk?). That is probably my fault. I'm sure there is some way that I'm not showing it to you. But honestly, I don't know how. The song Teach Me How to Love by Musiq Soulchild is a perfect metaphor right now. And I know you have been trying for 4 years to teach me how to love, but I guess I'm just a slow learner. I can understand how frustrating that is, and all I can do is pray and hope that you have not given up on me yet. I apologize for ever making you feel like I was taking you for granted because I wasn't. Not intentionally. Although, I never verbalized it (when I should have) I have noticed EVERYTHING you have changed to be with me and I could not be happier to know that you were willing and did that for me. I'm sorry for making you feel like everything is more important than you because it's not. I would drop ANY AND EVERYTHING for you if you ever needed me to. I'm sorry that at one point HE came before you. I was young, confused, and naive. He provided me with a FALSE sense of self-assurance (he basically fed my insecurities making me more confident) that I fell for. I was never in love with him. I was always in love with you. I know how bad that hurt you. There is NOTHING I can do to reconcile that. I am sorrier than I could ever explain. And most of all I'm sorry for the pain and tears i've caused. At this point in this letter I could explain the pain i've endured throughout this relationship as well, but honestly none of that seems relevant right now. All I'm concerned with is how to make everything okay between us. If there is even an us right now, I don't know. This is crazy. I've never felt like this. I've never been the girl to repeatedly call and text even when she's being ignored, the girl to let this completely break her, the girl who feels like she can't live without a guy, a girl that knows no happiness without him. But hey, I guess it happens to everyone at some point.

Anyway...I'm starting to ramble at this point. I fell in love with you because you gave me something no one ever has before. Someone who UNDERSTANDS me and sees through the facade I put up. I fell in love with you because you have a genuine spirit and personality. You are someone I can always count on to tell me the truth rather than sugarcoat something into what you think I want to hear. I fell in love with you because of your ambition and determination. I fell in love with you for more reasons than I can count or explain. My biggest fear right now is that IF this is goodbye that this is the final one. I'm so afraid that you are just going to stop talking to me all together, move on, and i'll have to watch you love someone else. I honestly don't think I can. Actually, I KNOW I can't watch you love someone else. Oh man, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Wow.

Well, there is not much more that I can say. I love you more than anything, too much some would say. I want you to be happy, I really do. I pray that happiness occurs with me, but if it does not I pray that where ever life takes you that you will be happy and protected. I'll ALWAYS be here no matter what. I love you too much not to be. 

Love, 

The girl that can't live without you. 

:(

this is so true. never thought about it till now. love is so physical, which means so is the heartbreak.

But it makes sense, love, it all makes sense. 

We like to think about love in some symbolic and emotional sense, but what about the physical?

When You're in love: 

• The way your heart flutters when you think of a person.
• Your body temperature increases and the palms of your hands sweat as you grow excited.
• You can actually become light-headed or weak at the knees.
• Life looks, sounds, feels, tastes and even smells better when you’re in love.

And when you’re heart-broken:

• You feel a tightness in the chest feels like the physical breaking of your heart
• You suffer from partial or complete insomnia
• You lose your appetite, have a stomach ache, and are even nauseous
• You’re always tired and fatigued
• You have anhedonia, an inability to feel pleasure

People invest all of themselves into relationships and love, whether they realize it or not. Be careful of who you get involved with, because they might abuse you completely. And if you know you’ve been given a heart, you take care of it… because the hurt you cause can be far worse than emotional.

my new goal.

How about this..

kevontemcfly:

How about you stop doing what you want and start doing what you need to do. I’m pretty sure 34 hours into your New Years you’ve broken at least one of the half-ass promises you made to yourself.

All across my dash, laundry lists of what people want in the New Year.

I wanna get healthy.

I wanna get a job.

I wanna graduate.

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna.

The reason you have so many problems is because you do what you want.

Start doing what you need.

I  started to stop doing what I want about 3 years ago.

I started doing what I needed to do.

I needed to get healthy.

I needed to quit smoking and drinking.

I needed to go to class.

I needed to graduate and get a job.

I needed to save money.

As soon as I took care of my needs, I got everything I’ve ever wanted and then some.

Hell on X-mas day I went to check my bank statement and long behold an unexpected check for 2k was in there from Uncle Sam. He owed me for back travel pay apparently. But I wasn’t expecting it and I didn’t need it or want it. It just happened.

When things are bad they tend to snowball.

Well the same thing happens when things are good.

You serious about change?

You ready for the internal tug of war?

To tell you the truth the hardest thing to do in life is change.

Even on New Years, a nice dinner with the wife was almost ruined.

I was ordering and I saw that wine menu and that little kid and like I said no matter how old you are, whether you’re 16, 21, 25, 45, we got that little kid in us screaming “I do what I want”.

Well he started creeping and making excuses and I heard him “it’s only one drink and you’ve been working hard and you deserve it”

And that adult in me was like “naw bruh, forget what that little nigga is saying, he ain’t talking about nuthin’, you need to run 3 miles in the morning remember”

And boom down goes that punk little kid. It’s the little battles you got to win.

But remember half the battle is in the preparation.

I’m prepared. I got wife across from me. That’s my battle buddy. She ain’t going to let me slip.

Ask yourself this question though.

How you going to go to battle with yourself hungover or high?

You going to lose every time.

You got to start now. You got to start checking that little monster in you.

You got to humble yourself and know that what you want, most likely isn’t what you need.

Actually it’s going to be the opposite most of the time.

Once you start taking care of what you need, everything you ever wanted starts to fall in your lap.

My New Years Resolution is to stop cursing.

It’s going to be an uphill battle with that one, but I’m going to win it.

Self actualization is a journey, not a place. You know you’re on the path when you feel yourself straining to reach your potential. You know you aren’t when you constantly bemoan your situation and circumstances, yet continue to do the same things hoping for different results. You were created with limitless potential; some call it “in the image of God”. - Professor D.V.

my life.

This Time - John Legend 

[Verse 1]
Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
it started to hit me
now you're not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
It's so crystal clear now
that I need your here now
I gotta get you back today

[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I'll take the chance
This time I'll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it's all of me.

[Verse 2]
I hit the bar everynight
Looking to score a good time
It's not like I planned it
I'm left empty handed
'Cause im still alone in my mind
Now what will it take to feel right
Can I come see you tonight?
Is there someone new now?
What can I do now?
'Cause I need you back by my side.

[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I'll take the chance
This time I'll be your man
I can be all you need
This time its all in me.

[Bridge]

Last time I wasn't sure
This time I will give you more
I'm more mature
I'll show you
Last time I didn't know
I messed up and let you go
I need you
don't say no.

Lying alone in this room
All that is missing is you
pick up the phone
Won't you come home?

This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I'll take the chance
This time I'll be your man
I can be all you need
This time it's all of me.