I don't know if i'll ever send this to you or if you'll ever read it, i doubt it. But I feel the need to write it. Maybe it'll help me with what I'm feeling right now. Who knows? Anyway... I feel like slowly but surely another goodbye is approaching. I'm not sure if I'm right, and I desperately hope I'm wrong because I'm not sure how well i'll be able to handle that. First off, I love you more than life itself. I'm head over heels in love with you, and although i've known that for years now it just hit me harder than a ton of bricks all over again. Every time we argue, break up, stop talking, or any other negative thing we go through my first thought is if I never broke up with you the first time we would not be going through this. If I had never broken up with you that day we would be the perfect couple right now. We would still be together and SO SO SO in love. But I was not ready then. I was too young and too naive. I created an emotional wall out of fear, and that fear led me to hurting you. And it was not till now that I understood how much I really did hurt you. I thought the pain of hurting you was hard to bear, but NOTHING and I mean NOTHING compares to this heartbreaking feeling. This feeling of you walking away and never looking back. It hurts so bad. However, seeing that I cannot go back in time and change that first break up I guess we have to move forward from here.
We've been back and forth over and over again. And every time we start again I fall deeper and deeper in love with you. You have my heart in your hands, and you are capable of doing ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING with it. That thought is absolutely terrifying, but I would rather live with that fear than live without you. All of my friends look at me and see how much I love you. I have NO backbone when it comes to you. My friends see how deep in love with you I am, and I just don't understand how you can't see it (or maybe you do see it and I just don't know it, idk?). That is probably my fault. I'm sure there is some way that I'm not showing it to you. But honestly, I don't know how. The song Teach Me How to Love by Musiq Soulchild is a perfect metaphor right now. And I know you have been trying for 4 years to teach me how to love, but I guess I'm just a slow learner. I can understand how frustrating that is, and all I can do is pray and hope that you have not given up on me yet. I apologize for ever making you feel like I was taking you for granted because I wasn't. Not intentionally. Although, I never verbalized it (when I should have) I have noticed EVERYTHING you have changed to be with me and I could not be happier to know that you were willing and did that for me. I'm sorry for making you feel like everything is more important than you because it's not. I would drop ANY AND EVERYTHING for you if you ever needed me to. I'm sorry that at one point HE came before you. I was young, confused, and naive. He provided me with a FALSE sense of self-assurance (he basically fed my insecurities making me more confident) that I fell for. I was never in love with him. I was always in love with you. I know how bad that hurt you. There is NOTHING I can do to reconcile that. I am sorrier than I could ever explain. And most of all I'm sorry for the pain and tears i've caused. At this point in this letter I could explain the pain i've endured throughout this relationship as well, but honestly none of that seems relevant right now. All I'm concerned with is how to make everything okay between us. If there is even an us right now, I don't know. This is crazy. I've never felt like this. I've never been the girl to repeatedly call and text even when she's being ignored, the girl to let this completely break her, the girl who feels like she can't live without a guy, a girl that knows no happiness without him. But hey, I guess it happens to everyone at some point.
Anyway...I'm starting to ramble at this point. I fell in love with you because you gave me something no one ever has before. Someone who UNDERSTANDS me and sees through the facade I put up. I fell in love with you because you have a genuine spirit and personality. You are someone I can always count on to tell me the truth rather than sugarcoat something into what you think I want to hear. I fell in love with you because of your ambition and determination. I fell in love with you for more reasons than I can count or explain. My biggest fear right now is that IF this is goodbye that this is the final one. I'm so afraid that you are just going to stop talking to me all together, move on, and i'll have to watch you love someone else. I honestly don't think I can. Actually, I KNOW I can't watch you love someone else. Oh man, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Wow.
Well, there is not much more that I can say. I love you more than anything, too much some would say. I want you to be happy, I really do. I pray that happiness occurs with me, but if it does not I pray that where ever life takes you that you will be happy and protected. I'll ALWAYS be here no matter what. I love you too much not to be.
Love,
The girl that can't live without you.
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