the last three days.

3 turn offs; 

1. a grill. omg. i hate those.

2. arrogance. CANNOT stand it.

3. over emotional. 

2 smiles that describe my life right now;

1 confession; 

i'm FAAAAAAR from as confident as i make myself seem. 

i'm sorryyy

dear blog, 

i have been neglecting you for the past few days. i'm sorry. getting back into the country and having to move straight into school has been hard and hectic. however, needless to say it's done. classes start tomorrow. as the young kids would say, it's time to grind. in laments terms...focusing on that 4.0 i wanna get! :D. 

love,

the writer

4 turn off's.

1. arrogance. 

2. those stupid lines that guys use on girls. 

3. BE A MAN. you should not cry more than me. 

4. liars. omg. i HATE liars. 

brown sugarrr

"what is the difference between rap and hip-hop? it's simple. it's like the difference between loving somebody and being IN LOVE with somebody. rap is just a word" 

[if only it was really just that SIMPLE. wishful thinking...]

5 people that mean a lot to me.

1. my mommy.

2. my brother.

3. my boyfriend [jordon].

4. those two guys [ronald&ej]. 

5. the best friends [corey; paige; brianna]. 

<3

6 things i wish i'd never done.

1. fight over STUPID stuff with my family. 

2. cried over STUPIDITY. 

3. gotten involved in DRAMA. 

4. chose APSU for my undergrad. 

5. lied. 

6. sex. 

[well, with him at least; i miss our rship BEFORE sex].

messages from you - drake

I forgot about you last night

for the first time in a long time I did

I was caught up in these drinks they keep on making

an amazin conversation with this girl named Lorraine

who says shes from L.A.

who keeps makin me laugh and even asks if she can pay

ooohhhh

She could be good for me (yeaaah)

This what you text me

Tell me that you miss me

I forget about Lorraine

and in fact shes right here with me

and shes starin at my face

something had to change

thought that all these feelings went away (yeahh)

I hate gettin messages from you (from you)

Its like you know the perfect shit to say

f-cks up my whole day

thought that all these feelings went away

I hate gettin messages from you (from you)

especially when you say you should’ve stayed

f-cks up my whole day

I thought that all these feelings went away

I hate the shit you do

I hate the shit you do

I hate the shit you do

I hate the shit you do

I hate the shit you do

I hate the shit you do

but I still text you back

I miss you too

[#truestory]. 

7 things that cross my mind on a pretty much hourly basis

1. my future. 

2. my past. 

3. relationships/love.

4. a career. 

5. my "friends" vs. my friends!

6. those two boys that changed my life. 

7. a boy that is currently changing my life :). 

i'm fighting....myself.

i'm so confused.
why is it that once you get so used to something
[no matter how terrible that something is]
being without it is hard?
why is change so hard to handle??

while i was in it...
i wanted so bad a way to get out of it.
and i had those ways.
but i stayed because i was used to it.
now, i've gotten out of it
and pieces of me wants it back.

i have something BEAUTIFUL.
i'm SO GRATEFUL i have this in my life.
but their are still pieces of me that want that terrible thing back.

ugh.
God, help me because i can't say no to this desire on my own.

8 ways to my HEART :)

1. make me laughhhh!!

2. be interested in getting to know ME; not what i can do for you. 

3. be patient with me. 

4. have FUN with me. be goofy with me. 

5. be able to handle my sarcasm, and even throw it back sometimes. 

6. know your limits!!

7. RESPECT me. 

8. be yourself, and me comfortable enough to be me. 

<3>

9 things about me.

1. somewhere buried deep inside me there is a girly girl. but i like her there so you won't ever meet her :). 

2. i'll ALWAYS be my mommy's little girl. i'm a big baby.

3. i do NOT want to go back to school! i'd rather be working in corporate world. 

4. i'm bi-polar. not literally. but i have mood swings, randomly. 

5. i get VERY annoyed VERY easily. 

6. i have a boyfriend who deals very well with #'s 4&5. 

7. white boy penises FREAK me out. they're PINK. eww.

8. autumn chanel is SLICK like my sister. but i'd rather call her fbook wifeyyy.

9. i'll always love the both of them, but i can't do it anymore. 

10 things. 10 people. Is it you?

1. i like you. a lot. i'm ready for this to grow. i'm excited to see where it goes :). 

2. i love you. more than you'll EVER know. i'll ALWAYS be here for whatever you need. but i can't break myself to make you happy anymore.

3. i believe you truly love me, but i'm happy where i am right now. i hate that you can't talk to me because of it, but i can't punish myself just for your happiness.

4. i'm REALLY sorry for what you are going through, but i think you guys are going to be okay. he'll be back :). 

5. i think you are making a HUGE mistake.

6. i'm really scared i'm gonna get a call one day saying that you are in jail or you are in rehab.

7. i'm afraid you won't be able to handle college. 

8. i miss youuuuuuuuuu, a LOT!

9. i think you are an IDIOT for leaving her. 

10. i wish you could see your true beauty so you would stop treating yourself the way you do. you can't look for self satisfaction in males. 

my new challenge. thanks best friend :)

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs.

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

Day Ten: One confession

i WILL learn how to do this.

19th birthday :)

1. we took a boat to tobago. but we went on before my step-dad and brother, and they ended up missing the boat. which means...our bags and transportation were left in trinidad as we went to tobago lol.

2. a family friend picked us up, got us towels and dropped us at the beach. 

3. spent the whole afternoon at the beach. got hit on multiple times. these men are RELENTLESS. 

him: hey redds 

me: hello...

him: where are you from?

me: america 

him: ohhh! where is your boyfriend?

me: he's at home.

him: good, thats where he should be. so when can i take you out for drinks?

[excuse me sir. i could've sworn i just said i have a boyfriend!! lol].

4. saw a fight! it was HILARIOUS. this guy got it gooooooooood. 

5. was supposed to come back to the condo we are staying at, but something happened and they had no water. so our friend took us to this hotel so we could shower and what not.

6. we were all INSANELY tired [considering we did not go to sleep the night before] so we slept for about 4 hours?

7. then our friend came and got us, and brought us back to the condo [they fixed the water!]. 

8. then my step dad and brother got here :).

9. then we spent almost an hour riding around looking for food because everything was closed. 

pretty great 19th birthdayyyyyy :) <3. 

trinidad thus far...

can only be described as EPIC :).

got off the plane. got dressed. and partied till the sun came up.

literally, the sun beat me home!

great music + boys + fam + friends + drink = a GREAT night.

PLUS...i won $500 for being the first girl to jump in the pool.

fully clothed mind you considering this was NOT  a "pool party". 

then $20 more for getting some guys phone out of the pool.

it was definitely a GREAT night. 

^ that was only night one^.

super excited for what the rest of this trip has in store for me and the wifey <3. 

“People sometimes say that the way things happen in the movies is unreal, but actually it’s the way things happen to you in life that’s unreal. The movies make emotions look so strong and real, whereas when things really do happen to you, it’s like watching television — you don’t feel anything.”

~ Andy Warhol

rambling...

this blog is going to be completely random...
i'm just let my thoughts flow freely.

1. God works in the most mysterious ways, EVER. i have grown up in the church my whole life. Christianity is all i've ever known, which is great but can be dangerous. I got to a point where I was going through the motions of Christianity because that is what I assumed I was supposed to do and that was what was expected of me. It was not until college came that I realized how far gone from my relationship with Christ I had gone. My first year in college consisted on me being hung over almost every sunday. I stopped going to church because it was no longer expected of me. I stopped praying because it was no longer expected. This summer has opened my eyes SO MUCH. I started going back to church, and this time it was not because I was supposed to or even for the social aspect but because I WANTED to go to church. God has placed people in my life throughout this summer that have brought me closer to Him. They have opened my eyes to see things about myself, life, christianity, God, and life in general. Some of these people were in my life for a matter of hours and others are still in my life as I type this. Either way those people mean the world to me. I have recently made the decision to re-build the relationship with God that I lost. I'm ready to take steps toward letting Him control every aspect of my life. It's not going to be an easy process, but I know it can be done and I know I have people supporting me and willing to help me through this. I'm excited to see what He is going to do for me :)!!

2. Relationships. If you know me...you know relationships have never been my thing. I was [and still am] the girl that was anti-relationships, love, emotions, and all that other gay stuff. However, I am now in a relationship. A relationship I think will last. I personally think God put him in my life at this point in time for a reason. I'm unaware of what that reason may be, but regardless I believe there is a reason. He is unaware of it, but in the short time he has been in my life he has helped me and taught me sooo many things! He is my friend AND my boyfriend. Regardless of whatever happens between us my hope is that we will ALWAYS be friends [although I prefer boyfriend ;)].

3. Maturity. I've been told on numerous occasions this entire summer [and prior actually] that I am mature beyond my years. I honestly don't see it. I feel like my maturity level is normal for that of a 18 going on 19 year old. But the more that I pay attention to those around me I realize that is very much so incorrect. I did the whole college life, party girl thing first semester and a little second semester. Granted, it was fun. But it got old VERY FAST. I'm so sick of it now. I don't like clubs. I don't like drinking. I don't like smoking. Well, wait, I like the feeling those things give me [drinking and smoking], but I don't like the aftermath. Honestly, if you think about it logically...doing either of those things makes NO SENSE. But I guess that is where you would say it's more of an emotional thing which cannot be understood logically.

WARNING: I am not at all knocking drinking, smoking, clubbing, or those who do any of those things. I can't knock it. I did it too. Nor am I saying that I will NEVER do any of these things ever again. However, I am saying that FOR ME these things are no longer appealing.

It was fun while it lasted, but now I feel like I should be doing more productive things. I'll surely take sips here and there, but getting drunk is no longer on my agenda. Clubs are definitely only on my agenda for VERY SPECIAL occasions. And smoking is not on my agenda at all.

4. Friends. This summer has truly shown me who I hold close to my heart and who was in my life just to be there. I have been working ALL summer. Only about 10% of my summer was left for me to do as I pleased. I have always been the girl that was at every social event held around me, but this summer I had people calling and texting me trying to figure out if I was alive because I was not out. I honestly kinda liked it that way. It was hard getting used to at first because as the summer went on I lost contact with a lot of people therefore finding something to do was hard. But I learned to use those times to relax and be by myself, which before is something that NEVER happened. I have a very close small circle of friends now whom I adore. I of course still speak to everyone when I do go out and have lots of acquaintances, but I have definitely lessened my "friend" circle. It keeps things a lot less drama-filled. I just hope the drama stays to a minimum once I head back to school.

5. SCHOOL. UGHHHHHHHHHHH!! I so do NOT want to go back. I guess this is another one of those maturity level things. I swear I have an old spirit. I have gotten so used to waking up, coming to work, working out, going home eating and sleeping. I like this life. I like having this job. I LOVE the paycheck lol. But mostly I've just gotten used to and enjoy this lifestyle. To be thrown back into classes and track practice is going to SUCK. I don't want to have to deal with people at school. I don't want to have to go to class. Actually, the academic part does not bother me. It's just the social aspect. Maybe it's just AP, but I cannot stand it. No matter what you do someone ALWAYS has something to say about it. I guess I have to learn to let people say what they please and just live MY life. It's just frustrating having to hear "I heard you ......[fill in the blank]" every other day. Oh well. I'll get over it! :).

I could keep going, but this would get out of hand. I'm done for now.
That was fun. I may do that more often.

Time to read and write :).

tata bloggers.

taking care of me, for once.

99% of my time is spent taking care of those around me.

[WARNING: this is not to be interpreted as a complaint or any annoyance with those i take care of. simply a realization].


I have the type of personality that cares more about others than myself.
I'll hurt myself just to make someone else happy.
I'm still slowly learning that I canNOT make EVERYONE happy.
it's a hard lesson to learn when thats all you've always done.

but for this one time. I want to consider my feelings, and only mine.
in this one aspect of my life i'm going to do this for ME and God.
instead of worrying about everyone else's feelings.

This really pertains more so to just two people.

I can no longer hurt myself trying to make you two happy.

sorry if I hurt you.
I assure you it was in no way intentional.

i love you.

when i see you...

"something now is taking over me...

yeah, yeah, yeah.

i'm not gonna run.

i'm just gonna stand here

and see..."

Fantasia Barrino

[i'm sure this won't be easy, but i've made up my mind to give it 100% and see where it could go. taking a leap of faith with my eyes wide open].

<3.

i'm feeling; not thinking.

...i like you.
even when you drive absolutely crazy.

we are POLAR opposites, so half the time you are annoying me. lol.
i'm not the type of girl you are used to
and you are far from the type of guy i'm used to.
yet we are drawn to each other.

i'm [almost] ready.
:)

this statement needs to be broadcasted to the world.

my *little cousins* status...

"we adults. we know how we feel. we aint gotta put a label on are relations ♥"


please excuse his typo. are should be OUR. he's a little slow sometimes :).
ily khary. gracias for this amazing status.

it was worth the wait. presenting...

More About Nothing; Wale :)



Download Mixtape Free

...i can't even find the words right now.

i wish i could explain this to someone

and they could tell me what to do.

but the only person that understands is you.

and i can't ask you

because you are the center of the "situation".

confusion floods through me.

along with every other emotion humanly possible.

i wish this was as perfect as it is "on paper".

i wish it was that simple.

but i guess something worth having 

is worth working for right?

i pray that one day this is as perfect as i know it has the potential to be.

timing is everything.