I just need to know...

Ventinggg...

It seems i'm doing a lot of that lately.
I don't know why.
Anyway...

Honestly, i'm at a complete & total loss right now.
I have NOOO idea what to do.
I think i've subconciously numbed myself.
I don't feel anything right now. I hate it.
I keep having random moments of tears, but as soon as they go away i'm numb again.

The ONLY thing, and i'm not exaggerating literally the ONLY, thing I know right now is...
I'm NOT giving up. I'm NOT letting go.
No matter what I'm going to be here.

This is so unlike me.
But right now, I don't care.

Never in my life...

...have I EVER hurt this bad.
I'm at work just randomly busting in to tears. wtf?

The very thing I feared the most has happened.
I screwed up the BEST thing that has EVER happened to me.
& my newest fear is slowly approaching.
I don't know if I can fix this. I don't know if it's even fixable.
I want it to be...so so so badly.

I deserve this. I do.
But damn it. I don't know if I can handle it.

:(.

All you have to do is love me, & i'll be content :)

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

—Bob Marley

More venting... :)

1. You've cheated on me before. There is NOTHING different about the circumstances we were in then and the ones we are in now. I want to ask you what's different this time, but we have never even really talked about you cheating so i'm scared to even bring it up. This is also a part of my insecurities. But i'm choosing to trust. Maybe i'll ask one day, who knows? I should ask. 

2. I think the moment I let go of my inhibitions and stop second guessing myself you will truly understand how much I care. But I don't know if i'm capable of letting go like that. Well, I know i'm capable...I just don't know how. 

3. Once I finally got used to having a step family and I liked them...he had to go screw it up. bitch. i hope i still see them even tho technically they won't be step family anymore soon. 

4. When I don't talk to you, i'm VERY cranky. 

5. I wish I wrote as much as I used to, but I just don't have the time or the urge to anymore. 

6. I should feel lucky. I've never been through anything detrimental in my life. I mean...my parents divorced, cousin died, god father died, close friend died, mom moved away...& that's really it. I've never been through anything that has broken me. But for some reason, I don't feel lucky. I'm always worried about if [and when] something detrimental does happen if i'll be able to handle it.

7. I envy those who are so openly emotional. I see a strength in them that I don't see in myself.

8.  I REALLY REALLY REALLY miss gymnastics, a lot. 

9. I think i'm slowly getting addicted to twitter :(. 

10. I have OCD tendencies. The only reason I added this last confession was because I needed it to have an even number of confessions. The volume on the tv, radio, and anything else that has volume must be on an even number always. 

I think i'm done with confessions now, for a while :). 

I confess

1. I think at times I don't perform to my full potential because it's easier to avoid failure by being mediocre than it is reaching for the stars. 

2. I made a twitter, and I HATE that i like it. Ha. @trini_baby.

3. At times I don't say what is on my mind or what is bothering me [to you] because I don't wanna be the nagging or jealous girlfriend. I don't wanna lose you, but holding it inside does nothing but intensify my insecurities which I think is what pushes you away. It's a lose lose situation. 

4. I require A LOT of attention to be satisfied. I NEED to constantly feel loved, reassured, needed, and wanted by those around me. 

5. Recently, for the first time, i've began to think about this logically and realistically. I'm more afraid than I was before of this not working. I'm afraid that I won't ever get what I want, what we want. But that may also be because I want it to work so much more than before. [SN: screw it not working. I'm DETERMINED]. 

6. I'm CONSTANTLY dreaming. But my dreams are always followed by a fear them not coming true.

7. I want to be a Forensic Psychologist. But the farther I get into college the more I rethink that decision, the more I fear that decision. Part of me does not know what the heck I wanna do at all, and the other part is 100% sure. I guess different wants that have been arising make me rethink what I want my career to be. 

8. I could go into farther details about every single last one of these confessions, but even on the internet I can't fully let go of my inhibitions and say what I think & feel. Mostly because it's hard to put it into words as well as an underlying fear [of what, i don't know?]. 

9. I'm really afraid that i'm going to screw up the one thing that means the most to me.

10. Fear rules most of my life. That's a problem.

11. There are a lot of things that need to change in my life, and I know I can change them. But I want to WANT to change them more than I actually want the change. 

12. My mood can change in a split second for NO reason at all. However, i'm a QUEEN at hiding it. 

13. The little things mean the MOST to me. 

14. I get jealous REALLY easily because I feel like i could very easily be replaced.

Okay, thats all for now. I'm sure i'll do more later. I'm in a venting mood. :)

Remember when I said...

in a post not to long ago that I was losing weight. 

9 lbs & counting. 

AND GUESS WHERE THE FUCK I CAN SEE IT?!?

my freaking boobs. I'M PISSED.

I FINALLY lose weight only to STILL feel fat & have smaller boobs.

haha. crazy huh?

Public Service Announcement.

Simply because "she's hott" or "omg SHE'S beautiful" may come out of my mouth on a regular basis, or I "check out" girls just as I check out guys, or I admire female bodies as I do male bodies does not at all mean that I am a lesbian or bi-sexual. It just means I find beauty in everyone, male or female. The human race has a LOT of beautiful people in it. Excuse the HELL out of me for admiring that.

&& simply because I LOVE to hug, touch, kiss, hold, sit on, and be affectionate towards people (including females) does not mean i’m a lesbian, bi-sexual, or a slut. I’m just an affectionate person, I always have been & I always will be. I’m always hugging someone, kissing someone, holding someone’s hand, sitting in someone’s lap, or simply hanging on someone because I like to. I’m like a child when it comes to things like that. The touch of another person comforts me. My friends know that and they accept my random, incessant need to hang on them. So, excuse the hell out of me for being loving!

So for those of you looking from the outside in…STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY BUSINESS. Stop trying to put a label on something that can’t be labeled. I’m FAR from typical. Therefore, I will not fit any mold, stereotype, or label you try to place on me. 

thatisall :). 

without you, i couldn't survive.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

— Unknown

What if right now you were living a dream and when you die, thats when you really wake up?

On vacation...

&& every where I go...

I imagine how much better it would be if you were here.

I can't wait till I get to see you everyday.

or every week.

or even every month.

anything is better than how much i see you now.

i hate that i fell in love with someone 8 hours away,

but i love that i fell in love with you :)

<3>

My 3 most prominent fears.

1. Failure. I'm so afraid to fail that sometimes I don't even try.

2. Being broken. I'm so afraid of someone being able to break me to pieces and actually doing it that I often stop people from getting close enough to break me. But this will result in failure because one of my goals is to love and have a family. 

3. Losing my inner child. I take pride in being able to enjoy the simple things in life, my naive mindset, and literally being a BIG KID. I fear one day i'll lose that, and on that day I will no longer know true happiness.

[sidenote; this will most likely turn into a poem]. 

"I'm an artist, & i'm sensitive about my shit" - Erykah Badu

[Inspired by the BEAUTY of Grenada & the peacefulness of listening to the waves crash repeatedly. Rough draft. I'm sure it'll be tweaked more...:)].

Although I know

Deep inside 

The emotions running through you

For me 

Are as real as the wind 

Blowing through my hair

Because verbally, physically, and emotionally

You reassure me 

Daily. 

But I still can’t escape my inhibitions

And free fall into the sunset.

Because the moment the sound of your voice

Penetrates my thoughts

My imagination bleeds

My fears

Gushing red streaks

Of insecurity 

Because as soon 

As the blue emotions 

Running through my veins

Reach oxygen

They turn into 

A hidden wave of secrets. 

Disguising the cold temperatures

With the mask of the Caribbean sun

Unable to be decoded

Even by the lie detector

They all attach me to.

But you…

You’re different…

You don’t fall for it.

You strip me of my naïve view

Removing the clouds, the wind, the sun

The sand, the beach, the heat…

Showing me fear 

Is what I should be afraid of, 

Not you.

You bandage my wounds

With the touch of your lips 

Against mine

By simply interlocking our fingers

You stitch every cut 

That bleeds 

Fears

Reminding me why I fell in love 

With you

To begin with. 

Do you ever wonder...

...how someone can like you?

i do, everyday.

i realized recently that my problem is...

i don't understand how someone can like me...

or better yet love me.

i can't understand a person feeling towards me the way i feel towards them,

which in turn results in me not being able to trust their feelings towards me..

which leads to my incessant need to be reassured. 

is that bad?

i think so.

oh man. i don't know what to do.

:)

"I wanna love with an open heart" 

-India Arie 

<3>

At times...i'm a little too cautious.

I'm not too sure exactly what i'm afraid of.

maybe getting hurt? or maybe looking stupid? 

or losing you?

probably all three to be honest.

i'm SLOWLY learning to not let this fear consume me

but sometimes I have my moments where I can't help it.

pushing you away is NEVER my intention

because I would definitely die without you.

i hope I can figure this out

because i'm so scared of ruining the best thing ever.

hmm. lots to think about. 

if you are in a rship...

you should NOT have a facebook.

facebook screws up SOOO many relationships.

i swear facebook tells it all sometimes.

i still feel like i'm getting played.

but something inside of me is still holding on.

maybe that means it's meant to be? & one day it will be exactly what I want it to be?

or maybe i'm just not ready to start over yet?

i pray, hope, and wish daily that it is the latter of the two.

hmm, we shall see what the future holds I suppose. 

9lbs...

So...[without trying] I have lost 9 lbs this semester.
It's really not that much, and not at all as much as I wanna lose.
But like...EVERYONE keeps telling me i've lost weight
&& either I need to stop OR I look really good. ha.

I just wish I could see what they see
because I definitely don't see a difference.
just a little more to go,
& hopefully by then i'll be satisfied.

it's encoded in my DNA, i swear.

I am SO sick of making EVERYONE else happy at my own expense, but I canNOT stop. I KNOW it’s IMPOSSIBLE to make everyone happy because someone will always be upset. But I can’t stop trying, and the person that ends up unhappy about the situation is me. Wonderful… :/

[noted. the contrast of moods in the last two posts, but hey..."it be like that sometimes" in the words of a friend of mine]. 

T-1 or 2 hours = my best friend, corey's, arrival in TN :).

T-2 days = my mommy's arrival in TN.

T-2 weeks = my best friend/the love of my life, lelia, will be back to stay in clarksville.

I am SOOOO unbelievably happy about this.

3 of the 4 of my FAVORITE people in the world are coming to me :).

now, I just need the last one to make his way here. 

i miss you baby. 

Mind Fuck

"No sex, I just wanna hold your body. Don’t get me wrong I really wanna make love but can I just hug you? Cuddle a bit before we huddle under the sheets, I wanna dig deeper and understand where you’re coming from. Where did you get these scars? Do you know you’re my own star cause I wake up to sunshine every morning? I wanna know your wants cause I want to feel your paragraph body with your cursive fonts, I’ll understand you more if you allow me past your cover letter, into the center of your soul to feel your demographic words populate your mind state as you regurgitate it out. So let’s chill our hormones as we invade each other’s domes. Shall we?" - Spittinvividly 

my first holiday...

...without my family. it kinda sorta sucks.

but my friends family is making me feel like i'm a part of their family.

it made me feel a little better.

it would be better if i had my boyfriend or best friend here.

[better yet both].

but i'll live.

being thankful for the things i do have,

the things i don't have,

and the things i'm unaware that i have.

THANK YOU GOD FOR EVERY BLESSING YOU HAVE PROVIDED ME WITH.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone :)

i found him :)

One question...

what is the secret to SUCCESSFUL long-distance relationships?

i need to know. i'm DETERMINED to make this work! 

this is all I wanna do. I just wanna feel your arms around me...

“No sex, I just wanna hold your body. Don’t get me wrong I really wanna make love but can I just hug you? Cuddle a bit before we huddle under the sheets, I wanna dig deeper and understand where you’re coming from. Where did you get these scars? Do you know you’re my own star cause I wake up to sunshine every morning? I wanna know your wants cause I want to feel your paragraph body with your cursive fonts, I’ll understand you more if you allow me past your cover letter, into the center of your soul to feel your demographic words populate your mind state as you regurgitate it out. So let’s chill our hormones as we invade each other’s domes. Shall we?”

Spittinvividly The Lyrical Spectrum: Mental Fuck.

tumblr...

has taken over my life.

click here to see.

sorry blogspot. 

i'll try & do better though :).

sorry for the negligence.

i've never been one to be very jealous.

but oh my goodness.
the green monster has bit me, and bit me hard.

i'm so jealous right now.
i don't know what it is about you that makes me this way.
but it's something.
it's driving me crazy.


i need reassurance.
i need to know i'm important.

i LOVE this song.

game over?

...thats what you say.

and i hope it's the truth. 

my heart can't handle anymore games, seriously. 

i hope you love me as much as i love you. 

love <3, 

a piece of you. 

i need a time machine.

...i wanna be a doctor.

dr. zakia, the forensic psychologist.

i wanna be a mrs. 

and i wanna be a mommy. 

tomorrow. not forever from now.

i wanna skip college.

i wanna skip dating.

[although the loss of the process of falling in love would suck]. 

i wanna skip being pregnant and having a baby.

i wanna skip getting a doctorate. 

i wanna skip this pain.

i just wanna be happy. 

not a fan.

i do NOT like the mentality i've had here lately.
i'm walking around unhappy, very unhappy.
i'm not too sure what is/was causing it.
and to be honest i don't really care.

i'm done with it.
i have SO many things to be thankful for.
there are more blessings than i can count in my life.
yeah, everything is not exactly as i want it to be
and there are some struggles
but life without struggle is purposeless because you won't learn.

so i'm embracing anything i struggle with.
i'm taking it as a blessing in its own way because it will teach me something in the long run.

new mentality.
i'm focused on school.
i'm focused on my dreams.
i'm focused on those whom i love and love me back the same.
and i'm focused on God, and making my relationship with him stronger.
thats ALLLLLL i care about.

once i get my life back in order.
i'll consider adding other things to my focus list.
but right now these are ALLLL i can handle.

:)

watch & read.

click the question.
what does it mean to be black to you??

i HATE feeling like...

...everything is my fault. 

no matter what i do or how i do...it's WRONG.

and yet no one will tell me the right thing to do.

*sigh*.

#truestory

...i hide my emotions behind my ambitious mentality because i don't think i'll ever obtain what i truly want. 

this is for my (best) friend.

dear (best) friend, 

you are possibly the most amazing person in this WHOLE entire world. I love him more than he (or anyone) will ever understand. Excluding my mommy & my brother i love this kid more than i love anyone else in the whole entire world. he is ALLLWAYYYYSSS there for me with WHATEVER i need. i'm so glad he is in my life, and whether he likes it or not he is stuck with me. i'll ALWAYS be here. sooo...ELEMUEL COLEMAN this is for you baby. i love you soooooo much. when it's as perfect as it is on paper in real life things will be UHH-MAZEEEE-INGG! can't wait :).

love, 

your (best) friend

the last three days.

3 turn offs; 

1. a grill. omg. i hate those.

2. arrogance. CANNOT stand it.

3. over emotional. 

2 smiles that describe my life right now;

1 confession; 

i'm FAAAAAAR from as confident as i make myself seem. 

i'm sorryyy

dear blog, 

i have been neglecting you for the past few days. i'm sorry. getting back into the country and having to move straight into school has been hard and hectic. however, needless to say it's done. classes start tomorrow. as the young kids would say, it's time to grind. in laments terms...focusing on that 4.0 i wanna get! :D. 

love,

the writer

4 turn off's.

1. arrogance. 

2. those stupid lines that guys use on girls. 

3. BE A MAN. you should not cry more than me. 

4. liars. omg. i HATE liars. 

brown sugarrr

"what is the difference between rap and hip-hop? it's simple. it's like the difference between loving somebody and being IN LOVE with somebody. rap is just a word" 

[if only it was really just that SIMPLE. wishful thinking...]

5 people that mean a lot to me.

1. my mommy.

2. my brother.

3. my boyfriend [jordon].

4. those two guys [ronald&ej]. 

5. the best friends [corey; paige; brianna]. 

<3

6 things i wish i'd never done.

1. fight over STUPID stuff with my family. 

2. cried over STUPIDITY. 

3. gotten involved in DRAMA. 

4. chose APSU for my undergrad. 

5. lied. 

6. sex. 

[well, with him at least; i miss our rship BEFORE sex].

messages from you - drake

I forgot about you last night

for the first time in a long time I did

I was caught up in these drinks they keep on making

an amazin conversation with this girl named Lorraine

who says shes from L.A.

who keeps makin me laugh and even asks if she can pay

ooohhhh

She could be good for me (yeaaah)

This what you text me

Tell me that you miss me

I forget about Lorraine

and in fact shes right here with me

and shes starin at my face

something had to change

thought that all these feelings went away (yeahh)

I hate gettin messages from you (from you)

Its like you know the perfect shit to say

f-cks up my whole day

thought that all these feelings went away

I hate gettin messages from you (from you)

especially when you say you should’ve stayed

f-cks up my whole day

I thought that all these feelings went away

I hate the shit you do

I hate the shit you do

I hate the shit you do

I hate the shit you do

I hate the shit you do

I hate the shit you do

but I still text you back

I miss you too

[#truestory]. 

7 things that cross my mind on a pretty much hourly basis

1. my future. 

2. my past. 

3. relationships/love.

4. a career. 

5. my "friends" vs. my friends!

6. those two boys that changed my life. 

7. a boy that is currently changing my life :). 

i'm fighting....myself.

i'm so confused.
why is it that once you get so used to something
[no matter how terrible that something is]
being without it is hard?
why is change so hard to handle??

while i was in it...
i wanted so bad a way to get out of it.
and i had those ways.
but i stayed because i was used to it.
now, i've gotten out of it
and pieces of me wants it back.

i have something BEAUTIFUL.
i'm SO GRATEFUL i have this in my life.
but their are still pieces of me that want that terrible thing back.

ugh.
God, help me because i can't say no to this desire on my own.

8 ways to my HEART :)

1. make me laughhhh!!

2. be interested in getting to know ME; not what i can do for you. 

3. be patient with me. 

4. have FUN with me. be goofy with me. 

5. be able to handle my sarcasm, and even throw it back sometimes. 

6. know your limits!!

7. RESPECT me. 

8. be yourself, and me comfortable enough to be me. 

<3>

9 things about me.

1. somewhere buried deep inside me there is a girly girl. but i like her there so you won't ever meet her :). 

2. i'll ALWAYS be my mommy's little girl. i'm a big baby.

3. i do NOT want to go back to school! i'd rather be working in corporate world. 

4. i'm bi-polar. not literally. but i have mood swings, randomly. 

5. i get VERY annoyed VERY easily. 

6. i have a boyfriend who deals very well with #'s 4&5. 

7. white boy penises FREAK me out. they're PINK. eww.

8. autumn chanel is SLICK like my sister. but i'd rather call her fbook wifeyyy.

9. i'll always love the both of them, but i can't do it anymore. 

10 things. 10 people. Is it you?

1. i like you. a lot. i'm ready for this to grow. i'm excited to see where it goes :). 

2. i love you. more than you'll EVER know. i'll ALWAYS be here for whatever you need. but i can't break myself to make you happy anymore.

3. i believe you truly love me, but i'm happy where i am right now. i hate that you can't talk to me because of it, but i can't punish myself just for your happiness.

4. i'm REALLY sorry for what you are going through, but i think you guys are going to be okay. he'll be back :). 

5. i think you are making a HUGE mistake.

6. i'm really scared i'm gonna get a call one day saying that you are in jail or you are in rehab.

7. i'm afraid you won't be able to handle college. 

8. i miss youuuuuuuuuu, a LOT!

9. i think you are an IDIOT for leaving her. 

10. i wish you could see your true beauty so you would stop treating yourself the way you do. you can't look for self satisfaction in males.