i blame movies.

every princess story ever written

is about a beautiful girl getting swept off her feet

by the PERFECT guy. he does everything right.

he says the right thing at the right time.

he holds you the right way. he makes you smile.

everything is just perfect. 

this has shaped the way most [well girls to be specific] view love.

they expect the guy to come along and sweep them off their feet

and they fall in love with the thought of love. 

at the age of 14 they are claiming they are in love

or they're upset because they don't have a boyfriend.

this want for love starts young, and resides in a girl

until she finds it or realizes how great she is all by herself.

dear hollywood,

thank you for ruining my life

as well as some of those around me. 

<3

too many thoughts.

i just really need someone to talk to right now.
but i have no one to talk to.
well, i probably do. i'm sure i have friends that would listen to me.
but i've always had a problem verbally expressing myself.
i feel stupid.

but i'm about to go crazy keeping this inside of my head.
i have always been able to handle things by myself.
i never NEEDED to tlk to someone about anything.
i always was and still am the confidant who does not have or need a confidant.

"every confidant needs a confidant" - Corey Thomas about 2 years ago.
i never believed him until now.

now...i need a confidant.
but who?

:(

it's hard... [rambling].

...to be happy for someone who has what I want.
so, please, excuse me if i am not overjoyed by your new found happiness.
do not get me wrong, i am glad that YOU are happy.
however, i am not glad that i am not EQUALLY as happy.

i'm happy.
but not as happy as i could be.

ahh, when did i become such a pessimist?
i used to be so optimistic. nothing could bring me down.
i was the girl that was ALWAYS smiling. no matter what.
nothing could bring me down.
and yes, i am still ALWAYS smiling
but for quite sometime that smile has become much less genuine.

i do not blame him, but he was a BIG FACTOR.
everything changed when he came around.
i lost myself in him.
i have not been myself in a VERY long time.
actually, i'm not even sure who myself is anymore.
all this time i thought i was looking for ME
but in actuality i was losing ME.
i did not realize it at the time, but i USED to know who i was.
and SOMEHOW i so carelessly let that go.

pshh. f*ck that.
i want me back.
no, actually, i WILL get me back.
somewhere in the last 3 years
i lost myself.
and that is UNACCEPTABLE.

goal: find myself, AGAIN.
whether it is the old me, or a new me. something HAS to change.

"You can't make your heart feel something it wont..." Boyz To Men <3.

WHY THE HELL NOT?!?!

ugh. 

this is only the beginning...

i figure this is a great time to introduce you to the poetic side of myself. this was written quite sometime ago, and the ONLY reason i am posting this one is because it's the last thing i have written. i have not written in months :/. however, slowly but surely, my inspiration and passion for writing is coming back. expect more and better! :)

date written: september 21st, 2009.

Untitled:

dreaming ever so peacefully

with no intentions of waking 

from the sweetest thoughts 

of you and me falling

so deeply in love

hoping intensely for a chance

hoping for what we could grow to be.

but slowly my dreams taking a turn

nightmares cloud my thoughts

and i'm losing my grip on hope

yet still to you i cling

holding onto something that is not there

no love. no passion. no overbearing joy.

just the right words at the right time

and a naive little girl

as i lay in your arms

and reality is lost

i become the director

of my own perfect movie

you love me. i love you.

nothing can break us.

until i call cut, and walk

towards back stage.

chaos overtakes me and i am

lost. lost for words.

perfection crumbles

revealing the truth.

i'm forced to face it. forced to accept it.

reality punches me, and you are no longer who i thought you were.

water fills my eyes, and my vision is blurred

but i take off towards stage

and yell...

LIGHTS CAMERA ACTION.

and everything falls back into place

before the first tear can caress my cheek.

this wasnever finished. this is a VERY ROUGH draft. maybe, one day, i'll finish it. who knows?

i hope you like <3.

happy 4/20 loves.

mhm. wiz khalifa. soooooo sexy :).

i hope everyone has an AMAZING 4/20. celebraaaatteeeeeeee <3.

Racial Profiling.

My first encounters with Racial profiling.

Scenario #1:
At work the older competitive gymnasts like to listen to music while they are conditioning and/or running. One of the coaches [who will remain nameless for multiple reasons] has an iphone with pandora on it. [Sidenote: this coach barely ever speaks to me. we are rarely even cordial enough to say hello to each other. not because we do not like each other, but simply bc thats just how it is...anyway...]. On multiple occasions she has spoken to me and asked "hey, we wanna listen to rap. what's a rapper that does not cuss much?" --- SERIOUSLY?!?! of the about 10 to 15 people you passed across the gym to get to me...you had to walk ALLL the way just to see me. the first thing that popped into my head was "it's because i'm black." If you knew anything about me you would know that i actually do NOT listen to rap that often. probably a good 75% of the rap songs i know are the same ones you know off the radio. i have a very broad selection of music that i love [adele, wiz khalifa, snow patrol, secondhand serenade, justin nozuka, lil wayne, bob marley, lauryn hill, india arie, drake, the script...need i go on to prove my point?]. It irritates me that just by the color of my skin people assume they know my entire personality, but in actuality all of their assumptions are FAR from the truth and they know NOTHING about me. ugh.

^^that right there was the first encounter I had ever so BLATANTLY had with racial profiling^^.

Scenario #2:
If you know me or have ever heard me speak you would know that i do not talk like a stereotypical southern black person. I pronounce my words and speak with proper english [for the most part]. i LOATHE the "word" worsum [and fyi: the word is pronounced and spelled WORRISOME], i hate when people say fixing and finna, i hate when people say tombout [talking about], and i could go on forever. [Sidenote: DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING...I DO NOT AT ALL HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE WAY ANYONE TALKS!]. However, i accept that this is how they were brought up and that is what they were taught to say. yes, i may joke with my friends sometimes and i often correct them, but it's never meant harmfully. That leads me to the point...why does everyone have a problem with the way I talk? Well, not necessarily a problem. But why is everyone so SHOCKED when I open my mouth. Black people constantly ask me "why do you talk so white? why do you act so white?" Will someone please tell me how you ACT WHITE?!?! i always thought white was a color and a race. how do you ACT like an ENTIRE race or ACT like a freaking color. that's STUPID. this is in fact reversed racial profiling. those whom i'm supposed to call "my people" judge me because i do not talk like them, dress like them, walk like them, or act like them.

^^my whole life has consisted of "she's not really black...", but last time i checked...I WAS.^^




point of this entire blog:
STOP STEREOTYPINGGGGGG!!!
i can guarantee you that any stereotype label you put on me there is a at least 95% chance that i will disprove that stereotype, and i know many more that would also disprove your judgmental assumptions. i am FAR FROM NORMAL, and judging me by my cover is a vital mistake. my cover is exactly what it sounds like...a COVER. it's not me. it COVERS me.


the end <3