it's hard... [rambling].

...to be happy for someone who has what I want.
so, please, excuse me if i am not overjoyed by your new found happiness.
do not get me wrong, i am glad that YOU are happy.
however, i am not glad that i am not EQUALLY as happy.

i'm happy.
but not as happy as i could be.

ahh, when did i become such a pessimist?
i used to be so optimistic. nothing could bring me down.
i was the girl that was ALWAYS smiling. no matter what.
nothing could bring me down.
and yes, i am still ALWAYS smiling
but for quite sometime that smile has become much less genuine.

i do not blame him, but he was a BIG FACTOR.
everything changed when he came around.
i lost myself in him.
i have not been myself in a VERY long time.
actually, i'm not even sure who myself is anymore.
all this time i thought i was looking for ME
but in actuality i was losing ME.
i did not realize it at the time, but i USED to know who i was.
and SOMEHOW i so carelessly let that go.

pshh. f*ck that.
i want me back.
no, actually, i WILL get me back.
somewhere in the last 3 years
i lost myself.
and that is UNACCEPTABLE.

goal: find myself, AGAIN.
whether it is the old me, or a new me. something HAS to change.