I just need to know...

Ventinggg...

It seems i'm doing a lot of that lately.
I don't know why.
Anyway...

Honestly, i'm at a complete & total loss right now.
I have NOOO idea what to do.
I think i've subconciously numbed myself.
I don't feel anything right now. I hate it.
I keep having random moments of tears, but as soon as they go away i'm numb again.

The ONLY thing, and i'm not exaggerating literally the ONLY, thing I know right now is...
I'm NOT giving up. I'm NOT letting go.
No matter what I'm going to be here.

This is so unlike me.
But right now, I don't care.

Never in my life...

...have I EVER hurt this bad.
I'm at work just randomly busting in to tears. wtf?

The very thing I feared the most has happened.
I screwed up the BEST thing that has EVER happened to me.
& my newest fear is slowly approaching.
I don't know if I can fix this. I don't know if it's even fixable.
I want it to be...so so so badly.

I deserve this. I do.
But damn it. I don't know if I can handle it.

:(.

All you have to do is love me, & i'll be content :)

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

—Bob Marley

More venting... :)

1. You've cheated on me before. There is NOTHING different about the circumstances we were in then and the ones we are in now. I want to ask you what's different this time, but we have never even really talked about you cheating so i'm scared to even bring it up. This is also a part of my insecurities. But i'm choosing to trust. Maybe i'll ask one day, who knows? I should ask. 

2. I think the moment I let go of my inhibitions and stop second guessing myself you will truly understand how much I care. But I don't know if i'm capable of letting go like that. Well, I know i'm capable...I just don't know how. 

3. Once I finally got used to having a step family and I liked them...he had to go screw it up. bitch. i hope i still see them even tho technically they won't be step family anymore soon. 

4. When I don't talk to you, i'm VERY cranky. 

5. I wish I wrote as much as I used to, but I just don't have the time or the urge to anymore. 

6. I should feel lucky. I've never been through anything detrimental in my life. I mean...my parents divorced, cousin died, god father died, close friend died, mom moved away...& that's really it. I've never been through anything that has broken me. But for some reason, I don't feel lucky. I'm always worried about if [and when] something detrimental does happen if i'll be able to handle it.

7. I envy those who are so openly emotional. I see a strength in them that I don't see in myself.

8.  I REALLY REALLY REALLY miss gymnastics, a lot. 

9. I think i'm slowly getting addicted to twitter :(. 

10. I have OCD tendencies. The only reason I added this last confession was because I needed it to have an even number of confessions. The volume on the tv, radio, and anything else that has volume must be on an even number always. 

I think i'm done with confessions now, for a while :). 

I confess

1. I think at times I don't perform to my full potential because it's easier to avoid failure by being mediocre than it is reaching for the stars. 

2. I made a twitter, and I HATE that i like it. Ha. @trini_baby.

3. At times I don't say what is on my mind or what is bothering me [to you] because I don't wanna be the nagging or jealous girlfriend. I don't wanna lose you, but holding it inside does nothing but intensify my insecurities which I think is what pushes you away. It's a lose lose situation. 

4. I require A LOT of attention to be satisfied. I NEED to constantly feel loved, reassured, needed, and wanted by those around me. 

5. Recently, for the first time, i've began to think about this logically and realistically. I'm more afraid than I was before of this not working. I'm afraid that I won't ever get what I want, what we want. But that may also be because I want it to work so much more than before. [SN: screw it not working. I'm DETERMINED]. 

6. I'm CONSTANTLY dreaming. But my dreams are always followed by a fear them not coming true.

7. I want to be a Forensic Psychologist. But the farther I get into college the more I rethink that decision, the more I fear that decision. Part of me does not know what the heck I wanna do at all, and the other part is 100% sure. I guess different wants that have been arising make me rethink what I want my career to be. 

8. I could go into farther details about every single last one of these confessions, but even on the internet I can't fully let go of my inhibitions and say what I think & feel. Mostly because it's hard to put it into words as well as an underlying fear [of what, i don't know?]. 

9. I'm really afraid that i'm going to screw up the one thing that means the most to me.

10. Fear rules most of my life. That's a problem.

11. There are a lot of things that need to change in my life, and I know I can change them. But I want to WANT to change them more than I actually want the change. 

12. My mood can change in a split second for NO reason at all. However, i'm a QUEEN at hiding it. 

13. The little things mean the MOST to me. 

14. I get jealous REALLY easily because I feel like i could very easily be replaced.

Okay, thats all for now. I'm sure i'll do more later. I'm in a venting mood. :)

Remember when I said...

in a post not to long ago that I was losing weight. 

9 lbs & counting. 

AND GUESS WHERE THE FUCK I CAN SEE IT?!?

my freaking boobs. I'M PISSED.

I FINALLY lose weight only to STILL feel fat & have smaller boobs.

haha. crazy huh?