intenseeeee.

work out (4:45 am).
go to work (7 - 3:30 or later).
coach gymnastics (roughtly 4 - 8 or later mon through thurs).
do homework (till i can't keep my eyes open any longer. luckily this is only a month).

^thats my summer schedule.
it's a little beyond hectice :/.


yesterday, I got sick from exhaustion.
[i woke up with a migraine and ended up throwing up multiple times]
the saddest part about that is...
i have yet to stop, relax, and sleep.


this is probably NOT a good thing.

these 3 have defined my outlook on relationships/love.

1st; pure young love. our innocence and naivety brought us together, and maturity tore us apart. however i would not change any of it for anything in the world. it was some amazing times. i still love him to this day, and i wish him the best in every endeavor of life.

2nd; pure infatuation that turned to possession. subconsciously, i let myself fall because i knew you would not let yourself fall for me. up until not too long ago did i know that i was not in love with you. i never was. however i was [and partially still am] in possession of you. i would not CHANGE any of it for the world. i have learned a lot, and i am still learning. i thank you for everything you have taught me, and for all the times you have been there for me. i love him dearly, and as much as it hurts me [because change is hard] i wish him the best in life without me by his side [well at least as anything more than a friend]. i also pray that he finds love in life. i will ALWAYS be there for him. 

3rd; infatuation that turned to a strong emotional bond. you know me better than i know myself. it was pure and perfect at the beginning, but then i pushed away. to this day i am not sure if i was too blind to see it at first or if i drove it to what it is now when i pushed away the first time. i regret pushing you away, but you have to live and learn. i have learned. i was and still am at times bound by your lies. it makes me laugh sometimes because you THINK i don't know that you have not been faithful anytime after the first time we tried. however, at the same time it hurts to know that i'm not enough. but oh well, thats over now [as you say]. and i would not change it for the world. i'm glad i experienced it. i will ALWAYS be your friend, and i will ALWAYS be here for you. i will always love you more than you know. i wish you the best in your endeavors, and i pray that one day someone will be able to tie you down [again]. 

transfer student.

well, it's about that time for me to SERIOUSLY consider it.

APSU is not at all a bad school.

however, it has no middle ground.

either you LOVE it of you HATE it.

and for me, it's HATE.

i cannot stand that school.

i'm in between two choices right now.

i've ALWAYS wanted to go to Emory.

even before i applied to colleges thats where I wanted to go.

but that did not work out the first time around for various reasons.

my second choice is University of Central Florida.

i like that school a lot, but of course i'll have to visit and what not first.

now my three problems: money, track, and credits.

i have NO earthly clue of how i would pay to attend either of these schools. 

i don't want to take out too many loans because paying them off will SUCK.

and i'm not yet eligible for financial aid.

i won't be until my junior or senior year. is it really worth leaving at that point?

then there is track. both of these schools have track teams.

which is GREAT. but idk if i can get on the track team.

i'm a decent athlete, but i'm not great. idk how good they are?

then there are my credits. i don't want to end up in school a year longer just bc i did not like APSU.

i don't know if all my credits will transfer. i don't wanna re-take classes.

but as much as that would suck it is the LEAST of my concern.

i finally told mommy that i wanted to leave

her response: "if you can find a way to pay for it go right ahead"

and i told my brother

he is super excited.

"i totally think you should do it! that would be great! i'll help you figure it out".

and my best friend. he said do it too.

so i have the support of those i love.

it's just getting out there and doing it.

when this was just an idea it was easier to think about.

but the closer it comes to reality 

[and it's still SUPER far away]

the more afraid i get.

both of these schools are completely different cities.

different STATES.

i don't know anyone. no one knows me.

but the more i think about that

it may just be EXACTLY what i need.

i guess it's time to start praying about it. 

i don't do this often.

but i'm going to be 100% real about my emotions.

i'm scared shitless. seriously.

secretly i am FREAKING out in my head.

growing up is scary. 

very very scary.

the future is unknown, and i do not do well with the unknown.

it's like every decision i make now is vital.

it determines what my future will be like.

yes, so did the decisions before this

but i was a little kid then thats different.

ugh.

point, blank, period.

I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!

necessity.

i have got to get my life together. pronto.

stevie wonder moment.

I keep having people tell me they are so proud of me.
They see me maturing, getting focused, and doing big things with my life.

I wish [with everything in me] that I could see what they are seeing.
because right about now i'm feeling like stevie wonder.
haha. seriously though...
I don't see any of what they are seeing.

I actually feel like they should not be proud of me at all.
I feel like I should be doing SO MUCH MORE.
In my eyes i'm not doing much of anything right.

I [for just one day] wish I could see myself through someone else's eyes.

the sad part is...

...all I can worry about is what other people will think about it.
or how it will look from the outside looking in.

yes, it has dawned on me how it affects me etc.
but my main concern is how it makes me look.
and i cannot figure out WHY i care so much?!
why should it matter?!

is the real issue not whether or not this is good for me.
whether or not this will make me happy.
whether or not this will have bad consequences.
whether or not i'll end up getting myself hurt.

[from the inside looking out, i think it's okay.
i think i can handle it. i don't think i'll get hurt.
and i don't see it as a bad situation...
but!...i could be very very wrong in my thoughts].

i need advice.
but there is no one i feel comfortable enough to tlk to about this.
because if this is the WRONG situation...i don't want anyone looking at me the wrong way/judging me because of it.
i guess it's on me to figure it out.
well actually...i'm already in process.
we will see what time holds for me. for this.

<3.