I just need to know...

Ventinggg...

It seems i'm doing a lot of that lately.
I don't know why.
Anyway...

Honestly, i'm at a complete & total loss right now.
I have NOOO idea what to do.
I think i've subconciously numbed myself.
I don't feel anything right now. I hate it.
I keep having random moments of tears, but as soon as they go away i'm numb again.

The ONLY thing, and i'm not exaggerating literally the ONLY, thing I know right now is...
I'm NOT giving up. I'm NOT letting go.
No matter what I'm going to be here.

This is so unlike me.
But right now, I don't care.

Never in my life...

...have I EVER hurt this bad.
I'm at work just randomly busting in to tears. wtf?

The very thing I feared the most has happened.
I screwed up the BEST thing that has EVER happened to me.
& my newest fear is slowly approaching.
I don't know if I can fix this. I don't know if it's even fixable.
I want it to be...so so so badly.

I deserve this. I do.
But damn it. I don't know if I can handle it.

:(.

All you have to do is love me, & i'll be content :)

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

—Bob Marley

More venting... :)

1. You've cheated on me before. There is NOTHING different about the circumstances we were in then and the ones we are in now. I want to ask you what's different this time, but we have never even really talked about you cheating so i'm scared to even bring it up. This is also a part of my insecurities. But i'm choosing to trust. Maybe i'll ask one day, who knows? I should ask. 

2. I think the moment I let go of my inhibitions and stop second guessing myself you will truly understand how much I care. But I don't know if i'm capable of letting go like that. Well, I know i'm capable...I just don't know how. 

3. Once I finally got used to having a step family and I liked them...he had to go screw it up. bitch. i hope i still see them even tho technically they won't be step family anymore soon. 

4. When I don't talk to you, i'm VERY cranky. 

5. I wish I wrote as much as I used to, but I just don't have the time or the urge to anymore. 

6. I should feel lucky. I've never been through anything detrimental in my life. I mean...my parents divorced, cousin died, god father died, close friend died, mom moved away...& that's really it. I've never been through anything that has broken me. But for some reason, I don't feel lucky. I'm always worried about if [and when] something detrimental does happen if i'll be able to handle it.

7. I envy those who are so openly emotional. I see a strength in them that I don't see in myself.

8.  I REALLY REALLY REALLY miss gymnastics, a lot. 

9. I think i'm slowly getting addicted to twitter :(. 

10. I have OCD tendencies. The only reason I added this last confession was because I needed it to have an even number of confessions. The volume on the tv, radio, and anything else that has volume must be on an even number always. 

I think i'm done with confessions now, for a while :). 

I confess

1. I think at times I don't perform to my full potential because it's easier to avoid failure by being mediocre than it is reaching for the stars. 

2. I made a twitter, and I HATE that i like it. Ha. @trini_baby.

3. At times I don't say what is on my mind or what is bothering me [to you] because I don't wanna be the nagging or jealous girlfriend. I don't wanna lose you, but holding it inside does nothing but intensify my insecurities which I think is what pushes you away. It's a lose lose situation. 

4. I require A LOT of attention to be satisfied. I NEED to constantly feel loved, reassured, needed, and wanted by those around me. 

5. Recently, for the first time, i've began to think about this logically and realistically. I'm more afraid than I was before of this not working. I'm afraid that I won't ever get what I want, what we want. But that may also be because I want it to work so much more than before. [SN: screw it not working. I'm DETERMINED]. 

6. I'm CONSTANTLY dreaming. But my dreams are always followed by a fear them not coming true.

7. I want to be a Forensic Psychologist. But the farther I get into college the more I rethink that decision, the more I fear that decision. Part of me does not know what the heck I wanna do at all, and the other part is 100% sure. I guess different wants that have been arising make me rethink what I want my career to be. 

8. I could go into farther details about every single last one of these confessions, but even on the internet I can't fully let go of my inhibitions and say what I think & feel. Mostly because it's hard to put it into words as well as an underlying fear [of what, i don't know?]. 

9. I'm really afraid that i'm going to screw up the one thing that means the most to me.

10. Fear rules most of my life. That's a problem.

11. There are a lot of things that need to change in my life, and I know I can change them. But I want to WANT to change them more than I actually want the change. 

12. My mood can change in a split second for NO reason at all. However, i'm a QUEEN at hiding it. 

13. The little things mean the MOST to me. 

14. I get jealous REALLY easily because I feel like i could very easily be replaced.

Okay, thats all for now. I'm sure i'll do more later. I'm in a venting mood. :)

Remember when I said...

in a post not to long ago that I was losing weight. 

9 lbs & counting. 

AND GUESS WHERE THE FUCK I CAN SEE IT?!?

my freaking boobs. I'M PISSED.

I FINALLY lose weight only to STILL feel fat & have smaller boobs.

haha. crazy huh?

Public Service Announcement.

Simply because "she's hott" or "omg SHE'S beautiful" may come out of my mouth on a regular basis, or I "check out" girls just as I check out guys, or I admire female bodies as I do male bodies does not at all mean that I am a lesbian or bi-sexual. It just means I find beauty in everyone, male or female. The human race has a LOT of beautiful people in it. Excuse the HELL out of me for admiring that.

&& simply because I LOVE to hug, touch, kiss, hold, sit on, and be affectionate towards people (including females) does not mean i’m a lesbian, bi-sexual, or a slut. I’m just an affectionate person, I always have been & I always will be. I’m always hugging someone, kissing someone, holding someone’s hand, sitting in someone’s lap, or simply hanging on someone because I like to. I’m like a child when it comes to things like that. The touch of another person comforts me. My friends know that and they accept my random, incessant need to hang on them. So, excuse the hell out of me for being loving!

So for those of you looking from the outside in…STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY BUSINESS. Stop trying to put a label on something that can’t be labeled. I’m FAR from typical. Therefore, I will not fit any mold, stereotype, or label you try to place on me. 

thatisall :). 

without you, i couldn't survive.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

— Unknown

What if right now you were living a dream and when you die, thats when you really wake up?

On vacation...

&& every where I go...

I imagine how much better it would be if you were here.

I can't wait till I get to see you everyday.

or every week.

or even every month.

anything is better than how much i see you now.

i hate that i fell in love with someone 8 hours away,

but i love that i fell in love with you :)

<3>

My 3 most prominent fears.

1. Failure. I'm so afraid to fail that sometimes I don't even try.

2. Being broken. I'm so afraid of someone being able to break me to pieces and actually doing it that I often stop people from getting close enough to break me. But this will result in failure because one of my goals is to love and have a family. 

3. Losing my inner child. I take pride in being able to enjoy the simple things in life, my naive mindset, and literally being a BIG KID. I fear one day i'll lose that, and on that day I will no longer know true happiness.

[sidenote; this will most likely turn into a poem]. 

"I'm an artist, & i'm sensitive about my shit" - Erykah Badu

[Inspired by the BEAUTY of Grenada & the peacefulness of listening to the waves crash repeatedly. Rough draft. I'm sure it'll be tweaked more...:)].

Although I know

Deep inside 

The emotions running through you

For me 

Are as real as the wind 

Blowing through my hair

Because verbally, physically, and emotionally

You reassure me 

Daily. 

But I still can’t escape my inhibitions

And free fall into the sunset.

Because the moment the sound of your voice

Penetrates my thoughts

My imagination bleeds

My fears

Gushing red streaks

Of insecurity 

Because as soon 

As the blue emotions 

Running through my veins

Reach oxygen

They turn into 

A hidden wave of secrets. 

Disguising the cold temperatures

With the mask of the Caribbean sun

Unable to be decoded

Even by the lie detector

They all attach me to.

But you…

You’re different…

You don’t fall for it.

You strip me of my naïve view

Removing the clouds, the wind, the sun

The sand, the beach, the heat…

Showing me fear 

Is what I should be afraid of, 

Not you.

You bandage my wounds

With the touch of your lips 

Against mine

By simply interlocking our fingers

You stitch every cut 

That bleeds 

Fears

Reminding me why I fell in love 

With you

To begin with. 

Do you ever wonder...

...how someone can like you?

i do, everyday.

i realized recently that my problem is...

i don't understand how someone can like me...

or better yet love me.

i can't understand a person feeling towards me the way i feel towards them,

which in turn results in me not being able to trust their feelings towards me..

which leads to my incessant need to be reassured. 

is that bad?

i think so.

oh man. i don't know what to do.

:)

"I wanna love with an open heart" 

-India Arie 

<3>

At times...i'm a little too cautious.

I'm not too sure exactly what i'm afraid of.

maybe getting hurt? or maybe looking stupid? 

or losing you?

probably all three to be honest.

i'm SLOWLY learning to not let this fear consume me

but sometimes I have my moments where I can't help it.

pushing you away is NEVER my intention

because I would definitely die without you.

i hope I can figure this out

because i'm so scared of ruining the best thing ever.

hmm. lots to think about. 

if you are in a rship...

you should NOT have a facebook.

facebook screws up SOOO many relationships.

i swear facebook tells it all sometimes.

i still feel like i'm getting played.

but something inside of me is still holding on.

maybe that means it's meant to be? & one day it will be exactly what I want it to be?

or maybe i'm just not ready to start over yet?

i pray, hope, and wish daily that it is the latter of the two.

hmm, we shall see what the future holds I suppose. 

9lbs...

So...[without trying] I have lost 9 lbs this semester.
It's really not that much, and not at all as much as I wanna lose.
But like...EVERYONE keeps telling me i've lost weight
&& either I need to stop OR I look really good. ha.

I just wish I could see what they see
because I definitely don't see a difference.
just a little more to go,
& hopefully by then i'll be satisfied.