this is hard...

...but i gotta keep pushing.

change is so scary,
and it's very hard.
you may lose people in the process,
and thats like my biggest fear.
[i'm most afraid of losing, you :(]
but i think this is worth it.
i hope its worth it.
i think i'll be happier because of it.
well, i'm hoping.

*bows head and prays for strength*.

the PERFECT song.

stole this from this chick here:
her blog is cool. follow & read :)
click herree

this song is basically reading the words right off my heart.
[except...i have not found the exception...yet?]

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh---

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

Dear Stranger,

I love meeting new people. If you do too, and you are reading this. Talk to me :).

Love, 

A New Friend

Question...

Why do people ask "How are you?" knowing good and well they do not want the 100% TRUTHFUL answer to that question?


AND...


Why is it so hard for people to answer that question honestly? I mean, for instance, if someone actually meant "How are you?" and wanted the truth...why would most people say "I'm fine" anyway...?



it's funny what we create as social norms.

"The only thing that can stop you from your dreams is...you" - anonymous

Dear Dreams,

Well, I never dream. So I cannot literally write a letter to dreams I don’t have. How about I write a letter to the dreams I hope to accomplish in life. My first dream, becoming a forensic psychologist (well actually a criminal profiler, but its all the same essentially). Everyone looks at me like I’m CRAZY when I tell them what I want to do with life, and most don’t understand why I want to do it. Hell, I barely understand why I do it. However, I think it’s because the human mind intrigues me. It’s crazy the things we could accomplish if we use our brains correctly. I want to explore WHY people do the things they do. I want to understand people so I can better help people. I also want to understand WHY is it that people can do things so EVIL. It’s not at all going to be an easy job. It’s going to be emotionally draining, but I think and hope it will be worth it to help the people I’ll be helping. My other dream, having a family. As anti-romance as I make myself seem…I am still somewhat girly at heart when it comes to this topic. Just like every other girl I hope to be married one day, I hope to have a family, and I hope to have kids (adopted). I have never sat an dreamed my wedding, the man I’ll marry, the house I’ll have, or kids names. But I do know that I want it. I want it all. I want love. That’s my dream…love.

So…to my dreams...love, happiness, and my dream job…please don’t let me down. I need you.

Love,
A dreamer!

i'm a little behind.

*i missed two days; this is to my parents and sibling :)*

Nsilo,
I don’t even know where to start with you, haha. I love you more than words can describe. I love you more than life itself. From the day I was born pretty much we were inseparable as kids. It’s crazy how close we were. And you loved me intensely despite the fact that I called you sissy! Lol. Yeah, we went through our little phase when we did not get along. But that’s just life for ya. I’m glad we got over that. There are so many things in my life I would have never been able to accomplish if it were not for you. I don’t think I would be as strong and as tough as I am if it were not for you. No matter what happens I know I can always count on my brother for WHATEVER I need. I know that if you can help me you will, and if you can’t you will find a way for me to be helped. I can’t thank you enough for being the most amazing big brother a girl could ask for. I’m glad that we are still close, and I’m sure we will be this way for the rest of our lives. You are my best friend, seriously. I love youuuuuuuuuu!!! And I cannot wait till one of us makes it big and we get this boat you have been dreaming of. It’s going to be epic.

Love,
Your little sister :)

Dad,
I was too young to remember this, but as I’ve been told I was daddy’s little girl as a child. I was always right next to you. I always wanted to help you fix things. I loved going to workout with you. Everything you did, I wanted to do it too. But then you and mommy separated, and we left. I’m not sure what happened after that. However, whatever it was took a strain on our relationship. Despite how much you get on my nerves, and despite the qualities in you that I cannot stand at all…I have to say thank you. I would not be where I am today without you. You have taught me SO many things in life, and you have been the source of so many smiles. Even though I rarely express it I do love you with all of my heart. Thank you for everything you have done for me, good and bad, because without it I would not be who I am today.

Love,
Your daughter

Mommy,
This one, I really don’t know where to start. From birth to now I have been attached to you at the hip. You could not go anywhere or do anything without me by your side when I was a little kid (and by little kid I mean all the way up through high school, and probably now if you were not in T&T). There is nothing in the world that can explain to you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You have put up with A LOT from me, and for that I am truly sorry. I admire you in everything you do. You are the strongest woman I have ever had the opportunity to meet. You raised two kids on your own, the majority of the time. You did everything in your power to keep smiles on our faces. You sacrificed everything just for the things Nsilo and I wanted. Not even just the things we needed, but WANTED. You have the biggest heart ever known. Despite your anti-social ways, if someone needs something it is rare for you to hesitate to help them. Everyone tells me I am my mother’s child in every sense of the phrase, looks and personality. I light up every time someone tells me that because honestly, you are who I want to be when I grow up. I can only hope to be half as strong, half as caring, and half as amazing as you are. I miss you like crazyyyyy, but I have finally come to terms with this. I realize this is something you needed to do for you, and there is no way I can argue with that because of everything you have done for me. I love you mommy, times infinity and more!!

Love,
Your little girl :)

I have never...

...been in love. 

Last night...

...I finally realized how bad it has gotten.


"I can't see them coming out my eyes
so i gotta make the song cry" - jay z


*pauses*

no, nevermind.

"i can't see them coming down my eyes
but i can feel them rolling down my cheeks
eyes squeezed shut
i can't stand to look at what i've become." zkayy.

i can't do this anymore. time to move on...

I don't know what it is...

...but i have yet to stop smiling.
today has been UH-MAZE-INGGGG!

i have no idea what is the cause of my new found excitement
but i am in the GREATEST of moods.
nothing can bring me down at this point. seriously.
:).

[*looks up and thanks God*].

i hope everyone is having a great friday as well.


<3>

you're different; i like it :)

This one is for my crush :).

Dear *insert nickname*,
Well, i have not known you for very long (just a few months). The first time we met I almost ran into a door because I was texting trying to walk into the Dunn for track practice lol. You just laughed at me and held the door open. Your smile is what captivated me. It's beautiful! Also, your personality. It's SO DIFFERENT than what i'm used to. I love it. You are a different type of guy, and not in the way where you are always telling me you're different. You have actually never told me that you were different...I can just tell. You have a love for God that I really admire. I hope to be that enticed by my religion one day. Plus, you are a big kid at heart just like me (even though you made fun of me when I wanted to slide on the slide after we finished swinging, jerk! :P lol). I may be getting ahead of myself with this, but risks have to be taken sometimes. I guess i'll just take it day by day, nice and slow. There is really not much more to say because i'm pretty sure you don't even know you're my crush...yet. I still have a LOT to learn about you (and you about me), but from what I do know now I kinda sorta maybe like you a little bit, lol :).

Love,
The clumsy one :)

ps - you're gonna need a nickname soon dear.

it's time for me to be set free. gotta fly these pretty wings around

"But i will NOT see what I cannot have forever

I'll always love you. I hope you feel the same"

-Maxwell

I have 3 best friends, so i'll try and keep this short and sweet.

Best frannnn,
Oh my goodness love. First, i love you more than you will ever know or understand. I have known you for...I don't even know how long. 3 or 4 years, maybe more? When I first met you...I could not stand you haha. You could not stand me either. We were entirely too much alike for each other. However, after we got to know each other we were inseparable. We have gotten in trouble together, almost got into fights together, left the country together, stayed up ALLLLLL night together, we have pretty much done it all together. There are not enough words in the world or enough favors for me to express how thankful i am to have you in my life or to thank you for EVERYTHING you have done for me. I want you to know that you are a BEAUTIFUL person inside and out. You can light up a room by just walking in even though on the inside you are probably ready to break down and cry. I admire your strength. I admire your loving personality. I just admire you. I love you, and I will ALWAYS be here for you. You are an amazing person, and don't EVER let anyone convince you of anything different. Fall 2010; We are taking over babygirl :). AP is not ready for us (and neither is the track team! haha).

Love,
You're Best Frann forever and always
Zakia.

Bestest Friend,
A.K.A. mama! Wow. Where should I start? You hated me when you first met me too, and i'm pretty sure the ONLY reason you talked to me sophomore year was because I was the only other black person in that class. LOL. Anyway, I am SO SO SO SO SO SO happy we got to know each other. You are an amazing person! I love you more than you'll ever know. Thank you so much for always being there for me. We have pretty much been inseparable for the past 3 years. Even if we go a little while without talking because we both live busy lives we just pick up the phone and talk like we have not missed a thing. You (along with my other 2 best friends) are one of the FEW people i have found a genuine friendship in and I could not thank you enough for that. I cherish all the memories we've had (my house, you're house, school, and SB '10), and I look forward to the many more we are going to make! Fall 2010; APSU! Just like it should have been all along :).

Love,
BabyT <3.

Best Friend,
This one is going to be the hardest simply because you don't know how I feel about you, or at least I don't think you do. I have known you for 3 and a half years. I still remember the first day I met you, haha. Funny day. Anyway, we have been up and down; back and forth; and around in circles in the past 3.5 years. But i'm going to skip all that drama because that would make this letter TOOOOO long. I love you with ALL of my heart. I love you more than I probably should, but i'm okay with that. No matter what happens between us I know that we will always find our way back to each other. No matter how mad we get nothing can break this bond between us. I know that you will always be there for me for anything I need, and you know you can call me for ANYTHING you need. We have had our issues of course, but what friendship doesn't? I can always count on you to tell me the truth, and I can always count on you for good advice. There are certain aspects of our friendship that needs to change/be fixed, but thats just to be taken one day at a time. We will figure it out as we get older, i'm sure. There is just way too much I could say in this letter, but if I continue this will be longer than needed. Just know that no matter what happens i love you, always and forever and all I want for you is for you to be happy. If you're happy, i'll be happy. The end.

Love,
Me.

i'm gonna TRY this :)

*I stole this from Sandi, who stole it from Shelby :). I wanna try it. Don't hold me accountable if I miss a day here or there, i'm a busy kid lol.*

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 2 — Your Crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

30 day letter challenge!!

ignorance pisses me off.

So, i'm taking history online this summer
and we have this analytical paper we have to write.
we got to choose between exploring women in the military
and exploring the repealing of the "don't ask, don't tell" campaign started by Bush.

I chose "don't ask, don't tell".
anywho...i'm sitting here at work
doing research because i have nothing to do right now
and i run across this quote...

"To those who are for homosexuals serving openly the military, you miss the most important point. If on the battlefield a homosexual is wounded, who should be expected to possibly put their life on the line TWICE to try to save that person? Once to try to bring them to safety, and second at the risk of getting AIDS from their spilled blood. I realize homosexuals are already in the military, but with Don't Ask, Don't Tell the above risk is kept to a minimum. If a change is to made, it would be best for all concerned to return to the policy of NO HOMOSEXUALS in the military..."

This is probably one of the most IGNORANT statements i have ever read.
I could imagine something like this coming out of soulja boys mouth
and if you know anything about me, then you know my deep dislike for him due to his ignorance.
i mean how much of an A**HOLE do you have to be to still think AIDS only comes from homosexuals?! No matter who you pick up you are at risk at getting AIDS and any other disease that is transmitted through bodily fluids.
i mean duh. it is the 21st century. AIDS is EVERYWHERE
because no one knows how to use a freaking condom.


UGH. i hate stupidity. like, it's obnoxious.

well, thats my rant for the day.
i'm done being pissed. for now.

tata loves.
gotta get back to work :)

HOPE

For A Lifetime - Teedra Moses

You give and you give

But you never seem to get back in return

What you give

So your heart suffers through third degree burns

And in the end, you just want to give up on love

Oh, you're gonna get yours

Sure as all that breathe will die

And showers fall from April skies

A heart that's pure won't be denied

The kinda lovin' that'll rock ya

The kinda lovin' that'll keep ya

Hold ya for a lifetime

Even in the sad times

Your guard's up, and your heart's cold

This might be the one

But you will never know

You're holding onto pain from so long ago

You gotta let it go, you gotta let it go

Oh, and I promise you're gonna find love

Sure as all that breathe will die

And showers fall from April skies

A heart that's pure won't be denied

The kinda lovin' that'll rock ya

The kinda lovin' that'll keep ya

Hold ya for a lifetime

Even in the hard times

Even when it's going down

You're gonna find someone's riding with you

You don't have to be alone

You just gotta hold on

You're gonna find true love

Sure as all that breathe will die

And showers fall from April skies

A heart that's pure won't be denied

The kinda lovin' that'll rock ya

The kinda lovin' that'll hold...

Hold ya for a lifetime

Oh, oh.. hold ya for a lifetime

Even in the bad times

<3

drake said it best.

"i think i have a chance at love, but knowing me i'll miss it because me dedicating my time just isn't realistic"

^ scarily enough. i can relate to every word in this quote. 

yesss :)

My [forever long] writers block came to an ABRUPT end yesterday.
3 poems yesterday,
and already starting one for today.

:) :) :)

they are all ROUGH drafts right now. ha.
when i get a good one i'll post it.


ahh, it feels so good to have this back.

Real.

Drake ft. Alicia Keys - Fireworks Lyrics

[Drake - Verse 1]
Money just changed everything, I wonder how life without it would go
From the concrete who knew that a flower would grow
Lookin’ down from the top and its crowded below
My fifteen minutes started an hour ago
Truth over fame, you know I respect the blatant sh-t
When I hear talkin, I just dont know what to make of it
Hate is so familiar to me, I’m slowly embracing it
Doesn’t come natural, bear with me it could take a bit
Yeah, and my dreams who Im racing with
You can see I’m pacin it so that Im always chasin it
Wayne put me right here, thats who I get the paper with
I hope that my success never alters our relationship
Yeah, this life is something I would die for
Octobers Own, but its lookin like July 4th
But I just wish they’d let you try it first
This time I’m really goin off, fireworks

[Alicia Keys - Chorus]
When I go off like July 4th
feels like a fire, Got to go higher
Its your revelation(?) my sweet celebration
light me like a rocket, cause nothing can stop it
all I see is fireworks,
all i see is fireworks
every night its fireworks
every night its fireworks
all i see is fireworks
taking off like fireworks
taking off like fireworks

[Verse 2]
I got this one girl, you know, in my life
so I say in this song, I say
I’m just such a gentleman
you should give it up for me
look at how I’m placing al my napkins and my cutlery
I can tell it wasn’t love I just thought you f-ck with me
who coulda predicted love could strike now you stuck with me
yeh, I kept my wits about me luckily
what happened between us that night it always seems to trouble me
now all of a sudden these gossip brags wanna cover me
and you making it seem that it happened that way because of me
but I was curious and I’ll never forget it baby
what an experience
you coulda been the one but it wasn’t that serious
their was smoke in the air before now its me cleaing it
that felt good, all and all I learned a lesson from it though
you never see it coming you just get to see it go
yeah I shoulda looked up in the sky at first
now I see it in her eyes
Fireworks!

[Verse 3]
Everything the same but it feels different
my dad called me up knowing that I still listen
and he’s still got his foot out, guilt trippin’
It’s been years, though, I just learn to deal with it
For real, me and my Realtor we built up a better rapport
got my mother in a place with some better decor
she searched the entire city I let her explore
ant now she’s sayin’ she’s more lonely than every before
How many of our parents’ marriages lasted?
I was only 5, I bet I barely reacted
I’m flying back home for the heritage classic
searching for that feeling, tell me where is the magic?
let’s stay together ’til we’re ghosts
I want to witness love, I’ve never seen it close
yeah, but I guess I gotta find it first, that’s why I’m really going off, Fireworks!

[Chorus]

<3

1 down. 1 to go.

yep, i did it!! :)
and...I DID IT LIKE A G!!!!
no tears. beeasstttt.

haha anyway. i got this yesterday.
it was actually kinda fun.
yes, it hurt like crazy.
but more like an annoying slight pain.
until he got to the very top part [like right next to my boob]...
i thought i was going to DIE. it hurt so bad.
it sent pain shooting through my whole body.
but that only lasted a few seconds at a time :).

anywho, i LOVE it.
it's a little sore today, but not bad at all.

1 more to go :)







ps - better pics should be up on facebook soon.
http://www.facebook.com/zakia.alcantara

intenseeeee.

work out (4:45 am).
go to work (7 - 3:30 or later).
coach gymnastics (roughtly 4 - 8 or later mon through thurs).
do homework (till i can't keep my eyes open any longer. luckily this is only a month).

^thats my summer schedule.
it's a little beyond hectice :/.


yesterday, I got sick from exhaustion.
[i woke up with a migraine and ended up throwing up multiple times]
the saddest part about that is...
i have yet to stop, relax, and sleep.


this is probably NOT a good thing.

these 3 have defined my outlook on relationships/love.

1st; pure young love. our innocence and naivety brought us together, and maturity tore us apart. however i would not change any of it for anything in the world. it was some amazing times. i still love him to this day, and i wish him the best in every endeavor of life.

2nd; pure infatuation that turned to possession. subconsciously, i let myself fall because i knew you would not let yourself fall for me. up until not too long ago did i know that i was not in love with you. i never was. however i was [and partially still am] in possession of you. i would not CHANGE any of it for the world. i have learned a lot, and i am still learning. i thank you for everything you have taught me, and for all the times you have been there for me. i love him dearly, and as much as it hurts me [because change is hard] i wish him the best in life without me by his side [well at least as anything more than a friend]. i also pray that he finds love in life. i will ALWAYS be there for him. 

3rd; infatuation that turned to a strong emotional bond. you know me better than i know myself. it was pure and perfect at the beginning, but then i pushed away. to this day i am not sure if i was too blind to see it at first or if i drove it to what it is now when i pushed away the first time. i regret pushing you away, but you have to live and learn. i have learned. i was and still am at times bound by your lies. it makes me laugh sometimes because you THINK i don't know that you have not been faithful anytime after the first time we tried. however, at the same time it hurts to know that i'm not enough. but oh well, thats over now [as you say]. and i would not change it for the world. i'm glad i experienced it. i will ALWAYS be your friend, and i will ALWAYS be here for you. i will always love you more than you know. i wish you the best in your endeavors, and i pray that one day someone will be able to tie you down [again]. 

transfer student.

well, it's about that time for me to SERIOUSLY consider it.

APSU is not at all a bad school.

however, it has no middle ground.

either you LOVE it of you HATE it.

and for me, it's HATE.

i cannot stand that school.

i'm in between two choices right now.

i've ALWAYS wanted to go to Emory.

even before i applied to colleges thats where I wanted to go.

but that did not work out the first time around for various reasons.

my second choice is University of Central Florida.

i like that school a lot, but of course i'll have to visit and what not first.

now my three problems: money, track, and credits.

i have NO earthly clue of how i would pay to attend either of these schools. 

i don't want to take out too many loans because paying them off will SUCK.

and i'm not yet eligible for financial aid.

i won't be until my junior or senior year. is it really worth leaving at that point?

then there is track. both of these schools have track teams.

which is GREAT. but idk if i can get on the track team.

i'm a decent athlete, but i'm not great. idk how good they are?

then there are my credits. i don't want to end up in school a year longer just bc i did not like APSU.

i don't know if all my credits will transfer. i don't wanna re-take classes.

but as much as that would suck it is the LEAST of my concern.

i finally told mommy that i wanted to leave

her response: "if you can find a way to pay for it go right ahead"

and i told my brother

he is super excited.

"i totally think you should do it! that would be great! i'll help you figure it out".

and my best friend. he said do it too.

so i have the support of those i love.

it's just getting out there and doing it.

when this was just an idea it was easier to think about.

but the closer it comes to reality 

[and it's still SUPER far away]

the more afraid i get.

both of these schools are completely different cities.

different STATES.

i don't know anyone. no one knows me.

but the more i think about that

it may just be EXACTLY what i need.

i guess it's time to start praying about it. 

i don't do this often.

but i'm going to be 100% real about my emotions.

i'm scared shitless. seriously.

secretly i am FREAKING out in my head.

growing up is scary. 

very very scary.

the future is unknown, and i do not do well with the unknown.

it's like every decision i make now is vital.

it determines what my future will be like.

yes, so did the decisions before this

but i was a little kid then thats different.

ugh.

point, blank, period.

I'M SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!

necessity.

i have got to get my life together. pronto.

stevie wonder moment.

I keep having people tell me they are so proud of me.
They see me maturing, getting focused, and doing big things with my life.

I wish [with everything in me] that I could see what they are seeing.
because right about now i'm feeling like stevie wonder.
haha. seriously though...
I don't see any of what they are seeing.

I actually feel like they should not be proud of me at all.
I feel like I should be doing SO MUCH MORE.
In my eyes i'm not doing much of anything right.

I [for just one day] wish I could see myself through someone else's eyes.

the sad part is...

...all I can worry about is what other people will think about it.
or how it will look from the outside looking in.

yes, it has dawned on me how it affects me etc.
but my main concern is how it makes me look.
and i cannot figure out WHY i care so much?!
why should it matter?!

is the real issue not whether or not this is good for me.
whether or not this will make me happy.
whether or not this will have bad consequences.
whether or not i'll end up getting myself hurt.

[from the inside looking out, i think it's okay.
i think i can handle it. i don't think i'll get hurt.
and i don't see it as a bad situation...
but!...i could be very very wrong in my thoughts].

i need advice.
but there is no one i feel comfortable enough to tlk to about this.
because if this is the WRONG situation...i don't want anyone looking at me the wrong way/judging me because of it.
i guess it's on me to figure it out.
well actually...i'm already in process.
we will see what time holds for me. for this.

<3.