In 5 hours...

MY MOTHER AND BROTHER WILL BE HERE!!!!!!

my excitement cannot even be verbalized.

those two = my heart, my loves, my life.

family <3. 

it's kinda cute in a weird way.

Don't play games with someone who can play them better, sweetie.

You would be surprised at the things you think I don't know.

:)

Hey Soul Sister :)

"Watching you is the only drug i need

so gangsta, i'm so thug

you're the only one i'm dreaming of...

hey soul sister

aint that mister mister

on the radio, stereo

the way you move ain't fair ya know

hey soul sister 

i don't wanna miss a single thing you do 

tonight..."

that song makes me smile from ear to ear. seriously. 

Choices - Nikki Giovanni

If i can't do
what i want to do
then my job is to not
do what i don't want
to do

It's not the same thing
but it's the best i can
do

If i can't have
what i want . . . then
my job is to want
what i've got
and be satisfied
that at least there
is something more to want

Since i can't go
where i need
to go . . . then i must . . . go
where the signs point
through always understanding
parallel movement
isn't lateral

When i can't express
what i really feel
i practice feeling
what i can express
and none of it is equal

I know
but that's why mankind
alone among the animals
learns to cry

ha, one of these days...

...i'll get it right!

i hope :/

"You just stand. Watch the Lord see you through"

Not many fully understand that. Some stand and wait putting forth no effort towards what they want, and expect it to be given to them. Only after you have given all you can give, prayed all you can pray,  and done all you can do can you stand and await blessings. Do not hide behind prayer, and expect it [alone] to see you through. Pray and take God's direction

bubble wrap.

interesting fact of the day:

Originally bubble wrap was conceived as a wallpaper. Since that did not work out, it was used as a wrapping material. Every year enough bubble wrap is made to stretch it all the way to moon and back. 

she's a painter. see that smile on her face? it's her most famous piece.

the laughs. the words. the advice.

all a mask of how i really feel about what you are telling me right now. 

the part of me that loves you wants you to take my advice.

the part of me that possesses you wants you to reject it. 

hmph. two opposite sides of the SAME person fighting to win an unwinnable battle. 

lessons learned.

"You have to learn from others mistakes because you will not live long enough to make them all yourself" - Eric Jerome Dicky .

Cheaters by Jerome Dickey

her: "You ever been in love?"

him: "Yeah. No. Maybe. Not sure."

her: "That's evasive."

him: "I know i've been in possession."

her: "In possession?"

him: "You know. You get so used to having somebody in your life, so comfortable with what they have to offer, that no matter how lacking, or how jacked up it is, you don't want to let it go."

^the perfect description. 

i have never been in love, only in possession. 

tattoos.

[i stole this idea from Ms. Sandi Thompson :).] 

Sometime early or mid june [hopefully; definitely before june is over] the picture below will be tattooed on my side [rib cage] :D.

i'm going to get the keys a little bigger so my mom's name [charmaine] can go on the top key and my brother's name [nsilo] can go on the bottom key.

i'm probably gonna cry like a little baby, but oh well. haha.

trust the day i get it pictures will be up!

and then before the summer comes to a close.

not sure exactly when, but after this one and before school starts i'm getting the following scripture on my right shoulder blade.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see - Hebrews 11:1

another level.

I feel like i'm growing up, like i'm maturing.

and it feels goooooood.

i'm slowly breaking old habits. i'm slowly letting go of some of my childish ways. 

i'm working [2 jobs]. disciplining myself to work out every morning [on my own]. 

i'm managing my money WAY better. 

i'm learning to be happier with myself, by myself.

[^ but that is definitely still a HARD work in progress...but progress none the less :)].

[side note; i am still a BIG KID at heart. i always will be.] 

things are starting to fall into place.

i know it's going to be a bumpy road, but i FINALLY feel like i'm headed in the right direction.

i feel like I CAN DO THIS. 

if you can't tell...it's been a GREAT day.

i hope yours was equally amazing. 

:).

just this one time, please?

i swear...i'm not a selfish person.

i try to give more than i take.

i actually try not to take at all.

but this once...just this once.

i wish i could be selfish.

the REALEST song ever.

Will I Ever; Lyfe Jennings 

[Verse 1:]
Does it feel like ya
You're never gonna find it
Does it feel like ya
Always one step behind it
Does it feel like ya
Out in this world alone 'cause you been lookin and prayin for love so long
Does it feel like ya
Wishing on a falling star
Does it feel like ya
Lonely and it breaks your heart
'Cause it feels like ya
Ready to let down your guard
Finding somebdy's just so hard

[Pre-Chorus:]
How do you find the one you dream about (how do u find it yeah)
If I knew I'd tell you how (swear to God swear to God)
It's kinda hard for me to figure out (and I know you're ready to settle down)
I know you're ready to settle down
If there's a God above please tell me

[Chorus:]
Tell me will I ever fall in love
Will I be alone forever
Will I ever fall in love
Or will I be alone forever

[Verse 2:]
Does it feel like ya
Moving too fast
Does it feel like ya
Want something you can't have
Does it feel like ya
Living in the past
And the thought of going home alone again makes you sad
Does it feel like ya
Feeling so bad
Does it feel like ya
Getting so mad
'Cause it feels like ya
Just want someone to call
To tell ya that you're human after all

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
To fall in love (I would do anything, anything)
To fall in love
To fall in love, love, love, love
To fall in love
To fall in love

[Chorus x2]

"you wanna be my main squeeze baby, don't cha?"

my new main squeeze :)

[i know she won't ever let me down!]

05/17/10 - FOREVER <3.

this song = my drug :)

mistakes are made to learn from.

"Truth is everyone is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for" Bob Marley <3.

[and you sir, you were not worth suffering for. shame on me. i'll make a better choice next time :)]

this or that.

Are you ready for a relationship OR do you just want someone to be there?

honestly, i just want someone to be there.

i realized a few weeks ago thats my problem. 

i'm not ready for a relationship.

i just desperately want someone to be there.

i want someone...

i can call after a bad day.

i can call when i'm bored.

i can tell them all the silly thoughts i have.

i can tell them my fears, my dreams, my feelings. 

who can be a child with me.

who will argue with me when i'm wrong.

who can listen to me ramble when i just wanna talk.

who can deal with me just the way i am, flaws and all.

but what i have recently realized is...

i won't have that until i am happy by myself.

no matter how bad i want to have someone...

i wont have anyone until i stop wanting someone.

happiness lies within you.

you are only unhappy if you allow yourself to be unhappy.

and right now i am allowing myself to be unhappy.

thats gotta stop.

goal: learn to be happy WITHOUT having someone there.

i do not need anyone to complete me.

i'll learn one day. 

:)

i need...

...someone to make me trust them.

...someone who can see past what I allow you to see

to the things i [claim] i don't want you to see.

i need a confidant. 

frustrated.

the words in my head are way too jumbled to be typed out right now.

frustration is only a SMALL FRACTION of what i'm feeling. 

:(. 

[but i'm still smiling, somehow :)]. 

she makes me smile :).

even on my worst days this kid makes me smile.
i love her like she's my own.

:)

my new obsession.

wiz khalifa :) <3.

When I grow up...

...i want to be JUST LIKE her.

she's gorgeous.

smart.

talented.

caring.

generous.

she has the BIGGEST heart i have ever witnessed.

she is God fearing.

funny.

and she is just ALL AROUND amazing.

i love you mommy with all of my heart.

i would have NEVER been able to do ANYTHING i have accomplished in life without you.

you are the greatest, and i am forever thankful.

love,

an imperfect, and sometimes ungrateful, daughter <3.

sometimes, i swear i have bipolar moments.

i have decided to no longer focus on what I do NOT have.

it's time to focus on what i DO have.

no more stressing about rumors.

no more stressing about fake ass people.

no more stressing about him, him, and him.

no more stressing about school/work.

no more stressing about the future.

no more stressing about the things i WANT.

i have an amazing family.

a mother who would go to the ends of the earth to make me happy, and 2 brothers i know will NEVER let me down. 

i have 3 best friends i can ALWAYS count on.

and a bagillion close friends i know are always there to make me smile.

i have a lot of  "adoptive parents" who i know will be there for me for whatever i need.

i have a job. i have a car. i have a roof over my head. i have food to eat.

what can i possibly have to complain about?!?

[honestly, i'm a little embarrassed to admit i had the nerve to complain. shame].

although i KNOW i am not where i am supposed to be in life [religiously]...

i have to say...

THANK YOU GOD FOR EVERYTHING. 

i would not be here if it was not for you.

i hope this attitude stays around for a while :).

getting my life together, finally!

ugh.

i'm annoyed. very annoyed.

people [well...boys/men] look at me and see a light skinned girl with a decent body.
and NOTHING MORE.
no one thinks to go beyond my body and explore my mind.
all they want to explore is what's under my clothes.
that pisses me off.

i'm worth more than that. i know i am.
well...i hope i am.
damn. am i?

i hope my mind is intellectual enough and interesting enough to care about.
i think it is, but it seems like no one else does.
i just want for once a different approach.
for once...take interest in ME...the side of me you can't see.
take an interest in my thoughts, my dreams, my fears, MY INTELLECT.
just once look deeper than the surface.

is that really tooo much to ask?

alll smilessss

T-3 DAYS = SUMMERRRRRR '10.

T-24 DAYS = MOMMY AND BROTHER WILL BE HERE!!

yep. today is a good day.

refusing to let these people get me down.

nashville, here i come! i hope you hold WAY MORE for me than clarksville did.

determined to have a good summer :).

happy cinco de mayo loves.

tata <3.

decisions. decisions. decisions.

i may have messed up a good thing.

i may be in the process of messing up another good thing.

it seems i have a knack for that.

i hate not knowing which direction to go...

i don't know which path is the right way and which path is the wrong way.

i don't know who is worth the risk and who is not worth the risk.

i don't know who i should kick out of my life, keep in my life, or let into my life.

the ONLY THING I DO KNOW is something has to change, and it has to change fast.

decisions. decisions. decisions. 

i hate being indecisive. :(

"Using sex to fill a void is like taking asprin for AIDS. There is no point. The sh*t is still going to get worse"

i could not have said it better myself.

don't just read. understand.

my city...

is under water :/.

everyone keeps joking about "katrina pt 2" or "katrina's sister" etc.

and yes, they are joking.

but part of me knows that this is a very plausible possibility.

i'm scared.

pray for us guys.