this is so true...

"She was breaking, but she held on tight. That's how much she loves you, no matter how much she's breaking, no matter how much pain you're causing her, she'll always find a way to fall inlove with you. That's how much you matter to her."

-anonymous

<3

My mind is my own worst enemy.

& keeping all these crazy thoughts of mine inside is only helping it conquer me.

:/

When my own words fail, music speaks.

Deserve You More - Musiq Soulchild

Who, tell me, who knows you better baby than I do
Said it out your own mouth
I aint even got to say it, ooh
you aint got to make an issue, ooh
I aint trying to play the victim, ooh
I'm just trying to make this thing right

How, how could you think that I could ever be better without you
I mean, i could go a few months
But everyday girl I'd be missing you
For me to send you to another dude
the thought of it is so depressing ooh
You & I both know that we needs this thats why

I'm explaining...what I'm fighting for
girl, theres no one who deserves you more
so stop subscribing to those crazy thought
cause there's no one who deserves you more
who gave you love?
dont change on me. dont change baby
I'll go halfcrazy if you choose to leave
Thats why I'm explaining...what I'm fighting for
girl, theres no one who deserves you more
deserves you more...

We don't often talk about it baby but we know its true
its true, that you were insecure once
cause someone really did you dirty, ooh
But I encouraged you to make it through
Showed you special was apart of you
You did the same for me too

So girl I thank you and I'm so thankful
for the times where we rise and we fall
nights when we laugh and we talk
let's not break up, lets be grateful
that the strain of our arguements only brought us closer spite of it all

I'm explaining...what I'm fighting for
girl, theres no one who deserves you more
so stop subscribing to those crazy thoughts
cause there's no one who deserves you more
who gave you love?
dont change on me. dont change baby
I'll go halfcrazy if you choose to leave
Thats why I'm explaining...what I'm fighting for
girl, theres no one who deserves you more

We spend more time on our problems
instead of trying to work them out to get better
However, lets turn this negative into a positive baby
You believe in you and I
I feel theres a need to try
If I don't fight, i'll regret it for the rest of my life

I'm explaining...what I'm fighting for
girl, theres no one who deserves you more
so stop subscribing to those crazy thoughts
cause there's no one who deserves you more
who gave you love?
dont change baby, dont change baby
I'll go halfcrazy if you choose to leave
Thats why I'm explaining...what I'm fighting for
girl, theres no one who deserves you more

Facebook...

Part of the reason (actually pretty much all of the reason) I deleted my facebook (and twitter for that matter) was because little things I would see on either of these social networks would make me mad! It was little stupid stuff too. Comments, relationship statuses, picture comments, tweets, etc...

Really only ever in reference to him

So I deleted it. Decided it was not worth my stress. Well now, my roommate is telling me things she sees on facebook. I kinda wish she didn't. I didn't want to know. I don't want to know what is on his facebook, twitter, or any other social network. This is kinda bothering me on the inside, but i'm trying to just let it go. I mean it's just facebook! Just because it is on facebook does not mean that it is true. That is what I keep telling myself. I wish these things didn't irritate me so much.

I'm pretty sure any other girl would probably be freaking out and asking a million angry questions right now. But not me. I'm just going to ignore it.

:) <3.>

Tonight...

I'm going to have a longggggg talk with God. 

A very long talk. We have A LOOOOOT to talk about. 

There are quite a few things I need cleared up.

This constant confusion is killing me softly.

& hopefully after my long talk with Him...

I can have a long talk with my boyfriend.

Yes, somethings need to be discussed

But I would almost rather just lay and talk to him for hours about nothing.

I think that may help.

I don't know.

I need to see him, soooooon.

I just want to hold him.

and kiss him.

I mean, sex would be cool too...

But it's really not at the top of my list.

This being in love thing is complicated.

But I wouldn't have it any other way. 

:)

off/on

4 turn offs:

1. Arrogance. 2. Extreme sagging. 3. Lack of ambition. 4. Lack of depth.

3 turn ons:

1. BEAUTIFUL smile :). I love those. <- thats how he got me hooked, lol :).  2. Ambition. 3. Sense of humor.

1. MOMMYYY! <3. 

2. My big brothers. [NAJA & JW]

3. The boyfriend. [EC]

4. THE best friend. [LRT]

5. Brailyn & his daddy, Ross. :)

6 "I wish I never..."

1. I wish I never had sex.

2. I wish I never had sex with him.

3. I wish I never broke up with him the first time. 

4. I wish I didn’t make those drunken phone calls on those nights.

5. I wish I didn’t get too drunk to remember the rest of my night at the strip club. 

6. I wish I never signed up for this STUPID online art appreciation class. 

"Always in my head...."

1. My boyfriend.

2. School.

3. My future. Whether or not things are going to turn out the way I want them to.

4. Weed. [which sucks seeing that i’m in the process of stopping smoking!].

5. My mommyy!

6. Myself. Not in a conceited way, but like… I don’t understand myself and the things I do at times so I spend a lot of time trying to understand.

7. Music!

9 things about...MEEE:)

1. I have a boyfriend that lives 8 hours away :(. And as much as it sucks…my favorite part about our relationship is how close we are without having sex :). We have a very rare relationship, and it took me forever to figure that out. We are PERFECT for each other in every sense of the word. He's the man i'm going to marry. I love him <3. 

2. I HATE HATE HATE HATE when people don’t trust me. But I have a hard time trusting. Terrible, I know. 

3. I run track because I NEEED to stay in shape, but I really hate track. Like, I wish I could be on the team and work out with them and stuff and NOT have to go to the track meets. That would be BOMB! 

4. Forensic psychology is my passion. I want to do it sooo bad. But i’m a little afraid of it. I may change my mind. Who knows? 

5. I just moved into an apt with my roommate. IT’S FUCKING AWESOME! 

6. I’m a gymnastics coach. And although I complain about my job pretty much everyday… I really do love those kids. Some of them are the reason I smile :). 

7. I love new things. A little too much actually. I tend to throw my ENTIRE self into things that are new to me, which often times results in forgetting about the old. I always return at some point tho. Well, most times. 

8. I make simple things complex, and complex things simple. I’m actually really backwards. I care toooo much about things most people would consider frivilous, but not enough about things most people would consider a really big deal. 

9. In 2.5 years, a little less actually, if my plan goes accordingly I will be moving out of TN and going to grad school and moving in with my boyfriend. That means I have >2.5yrs to get my life together. The reality of that sucks because that time is going to FLYYYYYYY and i’m going to have to do some FAST growing up. However, I am super excited and kinda ready for it to happen like… NOW :D. I think i’ll handle it superbly.

Day 1...

1. Mommy; I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!!! I know you are going through a hard time right now, and I HATE to see you hurting like this. However, I know how strong you are. I got my strength from you. I’m here for you in anyway I can and know how. You’ll make it through. Love you!

2. “Best friend”; It’s interesting to me how you say “It was never JUST about the sex. It was our friendship, our constant communication, our easy conversations. That’s what I loved about our friendship”…. Yet, the minute I say the sex is done and that i'm in a relationship you no longer speak to me. Ha, that's fine because i'm doing amazingly well without you. 

3. Roommate; I FUCKING LOVE YOU. I’m so glad that my first apartment is with you. I would not want to share this with anyone else. 

4. Dad; Don’t call me and go off on me and tell me “You know what, don’t even bother calling anymore I never wanna speak to you again” and then call me a few days later and leave a voicemail like nothing ever happened. I'm gonna need you to make your bi-polar mind up please and thank you sir. 

5. Brother; I love you and I miss you. That is all.

6. BESTEST FRIEND; I fucking love you, but you knew that already. So, I guess there isn’t really anything for me to tell you. I just wanted you to have a number :). 

7. Step-dad; You’re a bitch, and I hope karma comes back to bite you in the ass. That is all.

8. Yezzy; I haven't known you that long, but we've gotten pretty close in a short time. I love you [more than you love me]. This semester is gonna suck without you, and I can't wait for you to come back!! But I do know that i BETTER see your ass between now and then! :D. 

9. Lenora; I'm praying for you babydoll. I love you! 

10. Babyy; The best for last :). 2+ years is a longgggggg time :(. I hate that it's going to be that long until I get to wake up to your face on a daily basis, but it'll all be worth it. I know we can make it. I love you more than life itself, and i'm so glad that I get to share my life with you. I'm praying that were done with this off and on ish because i've grown quite attached to being on :). You're the BESTTT boyfriend in the world and I can't wait till the day I get to call you my fiance and after that my husband and after that the father of my children. I love you <3. 

10 day challenge...

Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Nine things about yourself.

Eight ways to win your heart.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Six things you wish you’d never done.

Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).

Four turn offs.

Three turn ons.

Two smileys that describe your life right now.

One confession.

[I may have done this before, but umm...I wanna do it again. I'm sure it'll be different :)]. 

:)

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well – you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

even tho i'm sure you don't care, i'm going to tell you anyway :)

i’m taking a leave of abscence for a while.
a hiatus I suppose you could say.
social networks, cyber venting, & cyber entertainment has taken over my life.

I need a BREAK from technology. I need more human interaction in my life.  

there will be LIMITED time spent on:
blogger.
tumblr. 
twitter.
facebook <- well that’s been deactivated for good so no more of that period. 

[sidenote: twitter might get deleted here soon too. it’s actually quite overrated.just as i suspected. i should have just stuck with my FUCK TWITTER mentality. ohwell.] [sub sidenote: this LIMITED time may turn into not being on at all. no worries if that happens, i’ll be back in due time!]

anywho…taking time to…
not really sure what i’m taking time for, actually. 
i just feel like i need to take time for something. 
maybe just to focus on me, my relationships with people, my relationship with God, and school.

yeah, i think that is a great thing to take time for. 

Tata loves <3.

just my thoughts today.

"Dear Heartbreaker,

Whatever I may have done to deserve to get my heart broken or even if I did nothing, all I can do is pray that at whatever point in my life this occurs that I am strong enough to handle it. I also hope that your heart is not broken in the process. It hurts me more to hurt someone else than to be hurt myself.

Love,
the heartbroken (eventually)"

I posted this not too long ago, a few months actually. Well...the heartbreak came a lot faster than I ever expected. & I am strong enough to deal with you, although I would much rather NOT deal with it because it's not easy at all. But I was definitely incorrect. Being heartbroken hurts worse than breaking a heart, but don't underestimate the pain of hurting someone else because that hurts like hell also.

& big girls don't cry...

one of my BIGGEST pet peeves...

is when you talk to me like i'm just another girl.
it kinda hurts, fyi.

"If they are stupid enough to love you AFTER you broke their heart, I guarantee you, they are the one" - Anonymous

#true story.

yep. i love you.

[this is so true].

ohh, & sidenote...

I sent my love letter to him.
he called. but i was asleep.
ugh, damn medication!
but him calling is a good sign, right? i hope.

anyway...
we'll see how things go when we talk.
hopefully they go well.

toodlesss :).